“Perfect Obama's dad born in Africa, Mitt Romney's dad born in Mexico. Any pure breeds left?”

“I had a real job at fourteen years old. At seventeen, I was on my own. At twenty, I cut the liver out of a drifter and gave it to my father! 'Cause my dad's a drinker and I love my dad. And for eighty bucks, you can do anything in Mexico!”

“You always love your dad.
You don’t always like your dad sometimes.
But granddaughters not only love THEIR dads — their grandpops — they ALWAYS like them, and that’s the GREAT thing.”

“I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, "My dad can beat up your dad." I'd say Yeah? When?”

“Other dads actually sat at the dinner table. Mine left me a fifty and a reminder to do my goddamn katas.”

“Dads in the family are even more important than women in the workplace: The workplace benefits from women, but the family needs dads.”

“I think my dad is a lot cooler than other dads. He still acts like he's still 17.”

“Am I a born boxer? No—if I was, I'd be perfect.”

“Fighting Dad's not a fight. Fighting dad is, (a la a game show announcer): "Hi, you've just instigated your own mugging! Come on down!"”

“If we get more of what we pay for, then let’s pay to get more dads, rather than pay more when dads are absent.”