“Idea for movie: alcohol-based LXG-style crossover in which buddy heroes Jack Daniels and Jim Beam sail around the world with Captain Morgan. Jack's girlfriend is called Midori and she likes having sex on the beach. Their smartmouth talking pet is the Famous Grouse.”

“Captain Jack: Rose, you are worth fighting for.
[Jack kisses Rose passionately]
Captain Jack: Wish I'd never met you, Doctor, I was much better off as a coward.
[Jack kisses the Doctor the same way]”

“If you were a girl, Jack said to Dell, I'd marry you.
-No. You'd just have sex with me then never call me.”

“[On religion] I'm for anything that gets you through the night, be it prayer, benzedrine or a bottle of Jack Daniel's.”

“Jack was embarrassed — never hero more,
And as he knew not what to say, he swore.”

“Do you know what I think of history? … For a while I thought history was something that bitter old men wrote. But Jack loved history so… No one'll ever know everything about Jack. But … history made Jack what he was … this lonely, little sick boy … scarlet fever … this little boy sick so much of the time, reading in bed, reading history … reading the Knights of the Round Table … and he just liked that last song.
Then I thought, for Jack history was full of heroes. And if it made him this way, if it made him see the heroes, maybe other little boys will see. Men are such a combination of good and bad … He was such a simple man. But he was so complex, too. Jack had this hero idea of history, the idealistic view, but then he had that other side, the pragmatic side… his friends were all his old friends; he loved his Irish Mafia.”

“Jack, you have like serious anger management issues.”

“Senator, I served with Jack Kennedy. I knew Jack Kennedy. Jack Kennedy was a friend of mine. Senator, you're no Jack Kennedy.”

“Jack Kerouac was cool because he had no idea he was.”

“You know what I just realized? Jack Black… Jack White! [points to Jack White]”