“Somebody pinch me. You know what? I'm a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough. Somebody shoot me in the face. Is he really not here tonight? Dammit.”

“In the city of Denver, while I was vice-president, a big husky policeman kept following me around until I asked him what he was doing. He said he was guarding my person. I said: "Your labor is in vain. Nobody was ever crazy enough to shoot at a vice-president. If you will go away and find somebody to shoot at me, I'll go down in history as the first vice-president who ever attracted enough attention even to have a crank shoot at him."”

“Show me somebody who is always smiling, always cheerful, always optimistic, and I will show you somebody who hasn't the faintest idea what the heck is really going on.”

“Dammit!"
"What?" Gonzo sounds panicked.
"We're out of gas."
"You're Shithenging me."
"I Shithenge you not.”

“Somebody want to explain to me why those soldiers were shooting each other?'
(…)'Inbreeding?”

“Somebody like you taught somebody like me.”

“They say somebody has invented you
but to me this does not sound convincing
for humans invented themselves as well.”

“I may sound a little black, but I'm really pretty well adjusted.”

“I'm a very outgoing person. I'm always happy, I'm one of those people who are always smiling. If somebody described me to somebody else, they'd say the kid with the curly hair with the big smile on his face. I get along with everybody.”

“I'm not here for your entertainment.
You don't really want to mess with me tonight.
Just stop and take a second.
I was fine before you walked into my life.
'Cause you know it's over
Before it began.
Keep your drink, just give me the money.
It's just you and your hand tonight.”