“Were there really this many women in 1985 saying to their husbands, "Gee, honey, I'd love to have random strangers masturbate to a jpeg image of me deepthroating a titanium dildo, but there's no medium for that. Guess we'll have to watch 'Falcon Crest.'”

“Kind of like the difference between making love and masturbation, I'd say.”

“I watched the footage of Saddam being executed, and it really made me think…is there nothing on the internet that I won’t masturbate to?”

“Love is what makes sex more than masturbation. If there is no love even if you are really with a partner you masturbate with a partner.”

“From the look on your face, I'd say you know him."

I nodded. "Sold him a cannoli when I was in high school."

Connie grunted. "Honey, half of all the women in New Jersey have sold him their cannoli”

“"5.06 AM (Every Strangers Eyes)" on The Pros and Cons of Hitchhiking (Roger Waters, 1985)”

“Having women work with men is like having a grizzly bear work with salmon... dipped in honey.”

“In a society where many women are finding it difficult to have husbands of their own due to depletion of men by many factors, homosexuality will exacerbate the disequilibrium, leading to much social unrest.”

“Balzac says that many young husbands are so ignorant of women that they make him think of orang-outangs trying to play the violin.”

“Mark: I felt that you were singing it to your husband, but I'd suggest that you should block everyone else out and REALLY sing it to your man.”