“And, of course, the funniest food: "kumquats". I don't even bring them home anymore. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.”

“I always say to young people, you can have the best script, be the funniest man, but if they don't laugh — you're not a comedian.”

“I don't know why a 57-year-old man would loan an 18-year-old cashier at Whole Foods $250. I don't know why a man would do that. But I can tell you one thing: my husband's not going to Whole Foods anymore.”

“You don't have to own squirrels and starlings to get enjoyment from them … One day, we would like an end to pet shops and the breeding of animals. [Dogs] would pursue their natural lives in the wild … they would have full lives, not wasting at home for someone to come home in the evening and pet them and then sit there and watch TV.”

“Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing.”

“I don't even hate books anymore.”

“It's the religious aspects in which I feel most at home, in a way. No, I don't really feel at home in India anymore. I'm not physically comfortable in India most of the time-I like Chicago, I like snow. It's an irony that I should be an Indologist because I don't like hot climates. I don't like crowds. There are too many things about India that don't suit my physical makeup. And also, I hardly ever go to Bengal, so I don't have a language[ to speak. So I go as a visitor. I visit friends. To some extent, ironically, I'm more at home in India now because there are fabulous hotels with good food and people speaking English, it's like being in New York, but if I go to a village I can't talk to people. I don't know if I ever really was at home in India, but I love being there.”

“I hate dates. I sit at home all day, and I don't fart once. I go on a date and I've got twenty in the bank straight away.”

“I just don't want you to worry about me, or think you've met me, or waste your time anymore.”

“Oh, womanly sympathy, love AND food?" I said, laughing. "Don't want a lot, do you?”