“The human desire for food and sex is relatively equal. If there are armed rapes, why should there not be armed hot dog thefts?”

The Imperfect Enjoyment (published 1680).
Other

Comic routine in pre-invasion Denmark, quoted in Victor Borge, 91, Comic Piano Virtuoso, Dies" in The New York Times (24 December 2000) http://www.nytimes.com/2000/12/24/nyregion/victor-borge-91-comic-piano-virtuoso-dies.html?pagewanted=all&src=pm
Quotations from Borge's performances

Khushwant Singh in Sikh Philosophy Network

Interview with "Time" Magazine, September 22th, 2004
As President, 2004

The Nasty Bits (2006)

Source: “What’s wrong with Libertarianism”, p. 427

Variant: Why do you need to gallop while you fly?"
"Why do humans have to sway their arms while they walk? I dunno boss, but it just feels right.
Source: The Last Olympian

Nobel Prize Lecture (1993)
Context: There is and will be rousing language to keep citizens armed and arming; slaughtered and slaughtering in the malls, courthouses, post offices, playgrounds, bedrooms and boulevards; stirring, memorializing language to mask the pity and waste of needless death. There will be more diplomatic language to countenance rape, torture, assassination. There is and will be more seductive, mutant language designed to throttle women, to pack their throats like paté-producing geese with their own unsayable, transgressive words; there will be more of the language of surveillance disguised as research; of politics and history calculated to render the suffering of millions mute; language glamorized to thrill the dissatisfied and bereft into assaulting their neighbors; arrogant pseudo-empirical language crafted to lock creative people into cages of inferiority and hopelessness.