“If fate doesn't make you laugh, you just don't get the joke.”

“Everyone is a comedy. If people are laughing at you, they just don't quite understand the joke that is themselves.”

“Life is long. Just because you don't get your chance right when you want or expect it doesn't mean it won't come. Fate doesn't punch a time clock or consult a schedule.”

“Just because Fate doesn't deal you the right cards, it doesn't mean you should give up. It just means you have to play the cards you get to their maximum potential.”

“I think humour can be a very lethal weapon. You make somebody a laughing stock and you kill him. But most journalists don't do it. They get angry, which doesn't serve the purpose.”

“Anytime you have to threaten people to get them to laugh at your joke you have to consider it less than successful, okay?”

“Jack: When they laugh at one of my jokes… it just gets me right here. [Puts hand on heart]”

“It’s better to get the last laugh than the joke.”

“Being an author sucks, doesn't it? It's like telling a joke and nobody laughs for two years.”

“Please note: if you think the above is offensive, it is of course a joke and you did not get it. If you do not find it offensive, it is of course not a joke, and you did not get it. This is not a joke. Get it?”