“As my chief, Gruppenführer Müller expressed it, they were sending in the master himself, so I wanted to behave like a master.”

Sixth Thesis
Variant translations:
Out of the crooked timber of humanity, no straight thing was ever made.
Out of timber so crooked as that from which man is made nothing entirely straight can be built.
From such crooked wood as that which man is made of, nothing straight can be fashioned.
Idea for a Universal History from a Cosmopolitan Point of View (1784)
Context: The master is himself an animal, and needs a master. Let him begin it as he will, it is not to be seen how he can procure a magistracy which can maintain public justice and which is itself just, whether it be a single person or a group of several elected persons. For each of them will always abuse his freedom if he has none above him to exercise force in accord with the laws. The highest master should be just in himself, and yet a man. This task is therefore the hardest of all; indeed, its complete solution is impossible, for from such crooked wood as man is made of, nothing perfectly straight can be built. That it is the last problem to be solved follows also from this: it requires that there be a correct conception of a possible constitution, great experience gained in many paths of life, and — far beyond these — a good will ready to accept such a constitution. Three such things are very hard, and if they are ever to be found together, it will be very late and after many vain attempts.

Written speech fragment presented by to the Chicago Veterans Druggist's Association in 1906 by Judge James B. Bradwell, who claimed to have received it from Mary Todd Lincoln. Collected Works, 2:532 http://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/t/text/text-idx?c=lincoln;cc=lincoln;view=text;idno=lincoln2;rgn=div1;node=lincoln2%3A547
Posthumous attributions

Today, NBC TV (9 January 1985)

“Maybe yes. But without the theology, the scripture, the pigheaded certainty.”
Epilogue (p. 860)
Seveneves (2015), Part Three

The Secret of Efficient Expression (1911)

Source: The Theory of the Leisure Class (1899), p. 62

Source: Fugitives of Chaos (2006), Chapter 17, “The Ire of the Heavens” (p. 260)

Source: Dracula

Euro Trash Cinema magazine interview (March 1996)