“The worst of all of this is the lie that condoms really protect against AIDS. The condom failure rate can be as high as 20 percent. Would you get on a plane — or put your children on a plane — if one of five passengers would be killed on the flight? Well, the statistic holds for condoms, folks.”

“No matter what those sex-ed teachers say about how great condoms are, there's not a condom in the world to protect you from heartbreak.”

“South Australian prison officers do have a duty of care to protect inmates from rape and from assault. Provision of condoms would not protect against rape: prisoners with rape or assault tendencies should be separated from other prisoners. So should prisoners with HIV/AIDS.”

“… condoms are about as effective against AIDS as a twenty-four-chamber gun instead of a six-chamber gun when playing Russian roulette.”

“You can hand out condoms, drop bombs, build roads, or put in electricity, but until the girls are educated a society won’t change.”

“For one moment we are not failed tests and broken condoms and cheating on essays; we are crayons and lunch boxes and swinging so high our sneakers punch holes in the clouds.”

“I wouldn't touch a hot dog unless you put a condom on it! You realize that the job of a hot dog is to use parts of the animal that the Chinese can't figure out how to make into a belt?”

“Ron White's son is going on a direct flight from Austin, Texas to Houston, Texas and is talking to the flight attendant.
Flight attendant: Is there going to be someone to pick him up when he gets off the plane?
Ron: No, I'm going to pin a $20 bill to his collar and wish him the best of luck. Here's your sign.”

“I mentally conceive of some moveable [sphere] projected on a horizontal plane, all impediments being put aside. Now it is evident… that equable motion on this plane would be perpetual if the plane were of infinite extent, but if we assume it to be ended, and [situated] on high, the movable, driven to the end of this plane and going on further, adds on to its previous equable and indelible motion, that downward tendency which it has from its heaviness. Thus, there emerges a certain motion, compounded…”

“It’s so insane the way rockets work today. It would be like if you got a plane and the way you get to your destination is you bail out with a parachute over the city in question and your plane crash lands somewhere. That’s how rockets work today—with the exception of Falcon 9. This is completely bonkers.”