“Lionel: Oh no, we've drawn Judge Schneider.
Marge: Is that bad?
Lionel: Well, he's had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog.
Marge: You did?
Lionel: Yeah…if you replace the word "kinda" with "repeatedly" and the word "dog" with "son"…”

“Lionel: I've been getting a lot of calls about you, Marge. People just love your no-pressure approach.
Marge: Well, you know what we say: the right house for the right person.
Lionel: I'm going to let you in on a little secret. The right house is the house that's for sale. And the right person is anyone.”

Phil Hartman (1948–1998) Canadian American actor, comedian, screenwriter, and graphic artist

“Lionel: And as for your case, don't you worry. I've argued in front of every judge in the state. Often as a lawyer.”

Phil Hartman (1948–1998) Canadian American actor, comedian, screenwriter, and graphic artist

“Is the hotel Marge? It has to be Marge. I want atmosphere.' Marge is Anna-Louise's word describing sad, 1950s-ish diner-type places where the waitresses are named Marge.”

Douglas Coupland book Shampoo Planet

“Dogs are gonna take over the world. It's a known fact for those who believe it, kinda like the Bible.”

Green Day

“People say 'Ooh, doesn't Lionel Blair look good for his age?' Well, no, not really – not unless he's about five hundred. Otherwise he looks like nothing more than an elaborately coiffured scrotum.”

Linda Smith (1958–2006) comedian

“I have seen it stated that no expert is quick enough to run over a dog; that a dog is always able to skip out of his way. I think that that may be true; but I think that the reason he couldn't run over the dog was because he was trying to. I did not try to run over any dog. But I ran over every dog that came along.”

Mark Twain (1835–1910) American author and humorist

“I crawled in the street and I murmured,"I'm done."
Then up came Old Jenkins and shouted,"Oh son!"
"My word you do look well!
My word you do look well!
You're looking fine and in the pink!"
I shouted, "Am I? Come and have a drink!
You've put new life in me,
I'm sounder than a bell.
By gad! There's life in the old dog yet.
My word I do feel well!"”

Stanley Holloway (1890–1982) English stage and film actor, comedian, singer, poet and monologist

“Well I got a bad liver and broken heart,
yeah, I drunk me a river since you
tore me apart”

Tom Waits (1949) American singer-songwriter and actor

“I am his Highness' dog at Kew;
Pray tell me, sir, whose dog are you?”

Alexander Pope (1688–1744) eighteenth century English poet