“Today, Mr. Darcy is a vampire.”

“There are vampires and vampires, and the ones that suck blood aren’t the worst.”

“Vampires pretending to be humans pretending to be vampires … How avant-garde!”

“There are two levels of vampirism: one is the regular vampire, which is just like it has always been; and then there's the super vampires, which are a new breed we've created.”

“Do you even really know how vampires are made?'
'Well, when a mommy vampire and a daddy vampire love each other very much…”

“The reason people use a crucifix against vampires is because vampires are allergic to bullshit.”

“Is your inner vampire different from your… outer vampire?'
'Definitely. He wants me to wear midriff-baring shirts and a fedora.'
'So your inner vampire is Magnus?”

“Over the years all these vampire movies have come out and nobody looks like a vampire anymore.”

“Dear Mrs. Castaing, please come over after midday at 2 o'clock with a white dress without sleeves in order to pose. Because today I will not go to Mrs. Saxe. I am disgusted to do nothing at all.”

“Vampires are people too!”