Kathy Griffin cytaty

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“Because Oprah would be like "DID YOU DO COOOOCAAAAAAINE???"”

“You've got the two titans. Streisand. Oprah. Both strong black women.”

“I saw Courtney Love have one of her heroin fits…. and break a guitar. So I pulled up a chair. What? You gotta be ring-side!”

“Cause you know my joke is that I love her (Oprah Winfrey) but she thinks she's Jesus? And when she gets a paper cut she's like "Oh, stigmata?". No, Oprah. Get off the cross and do your show!”

“Elin Nordegren could not be happier. How many girls here would trade places with her in a second? Where do I sign? First of all, she doesn't have to bang him (Tiger Woods) anymore! And she's probably gonna get, like $500 million! So they keep getting these pictures of her with the two kids, and she's just laughing all the way to the bank…haaa haaa haaa haaa…heugen fleugen heugen fleugen…hjorda fjorda hjorda fjorda…”

“Apparently, Courtney Love was at Whitney's "intervention". And when Courtney Love is telling you, you're hittin the pipe too hard, well, things are bad! They're really bad!”

“I would rather blow a guy in the bathroom at White Castle in between sliders…because I'm romantic!”

“Have you guys noticed that Madonna is British now? OK, let's talk about her lineage for a minute. Raised in Michigan, moved to New York, is British. She started turning British like at the Golden Globes and she was doing the interviews and she says "telly" instead of "television" and she uses the word "actually" way too much and then she's also sorta bringing her voice down to a register around here (brings her voice down) and she's being interviewed for the Golden Globes and she's got whole, you know, crazy hair that everybody hated and everybody has and they were saying, "Well, Madonna, we're so glad to have you at the Golden Globes." (speaks in Madonna British accent) "Well, actually, it is more fun to come here than watch it on the telly". You know. Look, I'm from the midwest- its a TV.”

“Straight guys, this is your section, wake up (clap clap).”

“She reaches under and grabs my peech and like, squeezes it and walks away. I run over to Brooke and go "Your mother just molested me. I could sue you and own this house!"”

“When Sharon Stone asks you to do something, you just just do it. If Sharon Stone asked me to eat her poo, I'd be like "yeah, what's a good time for you?".(Pretending to eat poo) "This is really good poo Sharon, thanks".(To the audience) Stop picturing it……….. and come back!”

“The first red flag? The crooked wig! That's how you know what level of awareness Whitney is at. Cause let me tell - you know her gay was straightening that wig to the bitter end. Making sure the part was in the right place. But you know what - when the (crack) pipe is shaking? It's hard to keep it on, when the pipe is all shaking.”

“Nothing gets me more nervous than white people who talk black……. I mean, it's fun on "Ricki Lake", but in real life……”

“And then she (Brooke Sheilds) says the ill-fated words "You have to put this in your act". And I said "What, I would never!"”

“Alright, Macy Gray….. what exactly is wrong with her? She, for sure has a little mental retardation. Allegedly!”

“I'm not wearing any pants and the lesbians are waiting!”

“I had a run in with Whitney Houston, or as I call her, "Cracky."”

“And then who comes along to save the day? A couple of tool-belt wearing, golf-loving, Dinah Shore weekend lesbians sent from heaven.”

“We didn't know that the (Jackson) family was as nuts as we're now finding out. Who knew that Michael was the normal one??”

“I am not gonna engage in a debate that Michael Jackson could be the biological father of any of those kids. I'm not havin it, not tonight. There's no way. Those kids are Whitey, Whitey McGee and Whitey McWhiterson!”

“So, Hanson, which one of you boys is coming home with me tonight? (greeting the band Hanson)”

“I might imply in my act that Clay (Aiken) is a big, fat homo!”

“(About gay cruising) My gays had to school me, and they said there's a whole system and a language to the tapping. One tap means you're a top, two means you're a bottom….. I don't know, it's very elaborate. Very elaborate.”

“(describing Celine Dion's family of 14 siblings) You know there is just issues and boundries and secrets. The name of my book.”

“I know that Lindsay (Lohan) has lost a lot of weight recently, due to diet, Pilates and crack. Without the diet and Pilates.”

“(On signing autographs for troops) I'd be writing To Private so and so, love Kathy Griffin and then I'd go "here, think about this when you beat off."”

“Everytime she walks out (on stage), she acts like she's shocked anyone showed up! Every night! As if every single day, at about 3 o'clock, she's like, "You know Rene, maybe tonight iz ze night zey do not come?"”

“Uma Thurman is there……. with her big bag of BS!”

“So then, I go to this other guy who's just a civilian guy and minding his own business and I go to him like this "Burka - NO"! "Burka - BAD!"”