“I got into a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."”

— Emo Philips

GQ Magazine - 75 Funniest Jokes of All Time (June 1999)

Adopted from Wikiquote. Last update June 3, 2021. History

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Emo Philips 33

American comedian 1956

Robb Wilton (1881–1957) comedian

I said "Oh!"
So of course then I knew.
Back Answers

“When I was in the Soviet Union recently I was being interviewed by a newspaperman and he said, "Which dancers influenced you the most?" and I said, "Oh, well, Fred Astaire." He looked very surprised and shocked and I said, "What's the matter?" He said, "Well, Mr. Balanchine just said the same thing."”

Fred Astaire (1899–1987) American dancer, singer, actor, choreographer and television presenter

Jerome Robbins in Heeley, David, producer and director. Fred Astaire: Puttin' on his Top Hat and Fred Astaire: Change Partners and Dance (two television programs written by John L. Miller), PBS, March 1980. (M).

“I said to a guy, I said, "Tell me, what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful?", and he said, "Well, it intensifies your personality." I said, "Yes, but what if you're an asshole?"”

Bill Cosby (1937) American actor, comedian, author, producer, musician, activist

Himself (1983)

“"One thing there's no getting by—
I've been a wicked girl." said I;
"But if I can't be sorry, why,
I might as well be glad!"”

Edna St. Vincent Millay book A Few Figs from Thistles

From "The Penitent", A Few Figs from Thistles (1922)

“Erlking,” I told her. “Big-time bad guy. Wants to eat me.”

“Why?” she asked.

“Well. I met him,” I said.”

Jim Butcher Proven Guilty

Source: Proven Guilty

“He was such a nice guy. And he said, Oh, I'm never going to attack. But then his poll numbers tanked. He's got -- that's why he's on the end -- and he got nasty. And he got nasty. So you know what? You can have him.”

Donald J. Trump (1946) 45th President of the United States of America

Response to John Kasich * 2015-10-28
CNBC Republican debate transcript
CNBC
http://www.cnbc.com/2015/10/29/cnbc-full-transcript-cnbcs-your-money-your-vote-the-republican-presidential-debate-part-2.html
2010s, 2015

“I said to him [Hugh Dowding], "Well, as you eat meat, as you are a peer and have a seat in the House of Lords, could you do something about getting it humanely killed?" He said, "Well, isn't it?" I said, "I'm asking you." Well, we had a very, very happy marriage, and he never went anywhere without telling me where he was going. He'd nearly always say, "Look, can't you get out of what you are doing and come too?" And on three occasions he didn't tell me where he was going, he had just gone. He came back very depressed and didn't seem to want to talk about whatever it was. I wondered what was worrying him. When Sunday came, his usual salted beef was served, a dish that he liked very much. And he stood up to carve it, then he sat down, and he said, "What is it you're eating?" "Oh," I said, "well, as you know, it's a vegetarian dish." He said, "Would you have enough for me to have some? And don't ever get meat in this house for me again!" And he became a vegetarian then and there, and was one for about seventeen years till his death. … Well, if you're going to speak in the House of Lords, you've jolly well got to know your facts. Yes, he'd been to three slaughterhouses and was appalled.”

Muriel Dowding, Baroness Dowding (1908–1993) British noble

Source: Interview by Rynn Berry, pp. 137-38

“I certainly had no feeling for harmony, and Schoenberg thought that that would make it impossible for me to write music. He said, 'You'll come to a wall you won't be able to get through.' I said, 'Well then, I'll beat my head against that wall.' I quite literally began hitting things, and developed a music of percussion that involved noises.”

John Cage (1912–1992) American avant-garde composer

Quote from an interview in Observer magazine (1982), repeated on several occasions
1980s

“When talking about what his Father was doing at the age of 23
I said to him last year, or the year before, ‘Yeah, well…something…something.’ You know, I’d done my degree and I was like ‘You know, well, I’ve got a degree…you know, I’m this age.’ and he, he, laughed and he was just like ‘What was I doing when I was 23?’ and I said, ‘Dunno’ and he was like, ‘What was I doing?…Oh yeah, Sgt. Pepper.’ and I was just instantly just like oh.”

Dhani Harrison (1978) English musician

Dhani Harrison " Jeff Lynne & Dhani Harrison interview Part three https://youtube.com/watch?v=B48tHi-l4PQ" at Youtube.com, 2002: Interview with Jeff Lynne & Dhani Harrison about George Harrison and his Brainwashed album.2002

“Rose only hangs out with guys and psychopaths," said Mia.

"Well," he said cheerfully, "since I'm both a psychopath and a guy, that would explain why we're such good friends.”

Richelle Mead book Frostbite

Source: Frostbite

“I got into a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."”

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Emo Philips 33

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