“I think you know grandchildren now don't write a thank you for the Christmas presents that are walkin' on their pants with their cap on backwards, listenin' to the Enema Man and Snoopy Snoopy Poop Dogg and they don't like 'em.”

“Thank you," he says.
"Thank who?"
"I don't know. You?"
"No, not me.."
"Thank you, Jesus?"
"Yes, Toph, Jesus died for your Christmas fun.”

“The curtains were drawn, and the only source of light - indeed, the object to which my attention was suddenly exclusively drawn - was a lit candle on the kitchen table, that had probably originally been shaped like Snoopy but was now a mass of melted rivulets, as if Snoopy had fallen victim to some kind of flesh-eating virus.”

“Cause I don't wanna go on with you like that,
Don't wanna be a feather in your cap.
I just wanna tell you honey I ain't mad,
But I don't wanna go on with you like that.”

“If there's one thing on this planet you don't look like it's a bunch of good luck walkin around.”

“Don't ever write anything you don't like yourself and if you do like it, don't take anyone's advice about changing it. They just don't know.”

“I don't really know how to thank the Academy for this. And if I try we'll be here till Christmas. So I better get on…”

“So I'm speaking in all caps tonight. I know that's offensive to liberals; they like to speak in lower case with proper pronunciation in their voices. I don't. I speak in all caps. You can mark that one down: MICHAEL SAVAGE SPEAKS IN ALL CAPS!!!”

“I don't know how it is that you start working at something you don't like, and before you know it you're an old man.”

“In the end all books are written for your friends. The problem after writing One Hundred Years of Solitude was that now I no longer know whom of the millions of readers I am writing for; this upsets and inhibits me. It's like a million eyes are looking at you and you don't really know what they think.”