“Raffi: I can too marry Stone Cold Steve Austin when I grow up!
Bill: Clarice, what are you teaching this kid?
Bill Jr.: You can not, 'cause I'm gonna marry him, and we're gonna kick your butt!”

“I tell you, Satan's gonna have no trouble taking over here 'cause all the women are gonna say: "What a cute butt." "He's Satan!" "You don't know him like I do." "He's the Prince of Darkness!" "I can change him."”

“GG Allin: Nobody will stop me 'cause I'm the true underground messiah. When you come to my show you're going to a war and I'm out for violence, chaos, lawlessness all the way. I don't care about anybody or anything except myself and my mission and your kids out there, if you got kids out there they're gonna be my kids. I'm gonna own those kids. They're gonna do anything that I say.”

“I don’t have an issue with what you do in the church, but I’m gonna be up in your face if you’re gonna knock on my science classroom and tell me they’ve got to teach what you’re teaching in your Sunday school. Because that’s when we’re gonna fight!”

“I'm gonna run to you.
Yeah - I'm gonna run to you.
Cause when the feelin's right, I'm gonna stay all night.”

“In the store, Bill is buying some pants.
Clerk: You gonna buy these?
Engvall: Nope, gonna steal 'em. Just wanted you to see them before I walked out of the store. Here's your sign.”

“Most little girls in England grow up wanting to marry
a prince. Bex grew up wanting to kick James Bond's butt and assume his double-0 ranking.”

“"Aauuh, I don't wanna kill the kid!" … "Aw, that's so sad! I'm not gonna kill him. Well, I'm not gonna kill him first, anyway."”

“You know when you're [driving] drunk, you're like [Imitates car driving and going over the bumps on the edge of the road], behind you, you hear [Imitates big rig horn] [slurring] "Shut up, stupid!" You know, if you hear the magical sound [Imitates police siren], one of two things will pop in your head. Either one, [slurring] "I'm okay, I'm fine…I can beat this." Or two, [police siren] "I'm gonna go to jail. Ima gonna jail. Hey, gonna hafta let you go babe, Ima gonna jail. Tell the kids I love 'em, bye."”

“My child arrived just the other day,
He came to the world in the usual way.
But there were planes to catch, and bills to pay.
He learned to walk while I was away.
And he was talking 'fore I knew it, and as he grew,
He'd say, "I'm gonna be like you, dad.
You know I'm gonna be like you."”