Steve Martin citations

“Writer's block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.”

“You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.”

“… it is not the big events that hurt the most but rather the smallest questionable shift in tone at the end of a spoken word that can plow most deeply into the heart.”

“I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.”

“How is it possible to miss a woman whom you kept at a distance, so that when she was gone you would not miss her?”

“I gave my cat a bath the other day… they love it. He sat there, he enjoyed it, it was fun for me. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that…”

“Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.”

“Some nights, alone, he thinks of her, and some nights, alone, she thinks of him. Some night these thoughts, separated by miles and time zones, occur at the same objective moment, and Ray and Mirabelle are connected without ever knowing it.”

“She tried to get even with him through psychological warfare but couldn't, because he didn't care.”

“I have found that-- just as in real life--imagination sometimes has to stand in for experience.”

“I have heard it said that a complicated childhood can lead to a life in the arts. I tell you this story of my father and me to let you know I am qualified to be a comedian.”

“A celebrity is any well-known TV or movie star who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair.”

“Somewhere in the world is… The world's worst doctor and he could be yours.”

“Why is it we don't always recognize the moment when love begins, but we always know when it ends?”

“Now let's repeat the non-conformists' oath: I promise to be different! (audience repeats) I promise to be unique! (audience repeats) I promise not to repeat things other people say! (audience repeats, laughs) Good!”

“I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87.”

“A kiss may not be the truth, but it is what we wish were true.”

“I used to smoke marijuana. But I'll tell you something: I would only smoke it in the late evening. Oh, occasionally the early evening, but usually the late evening - or the mid-evening. Just the early evening, midevening and late evening. Occasionally, early afternoon, early mid-afternoon, or perhaps the late-midafternoon. Oh, sometimes the early-mid-late-early morning... But never at dusk! Never at dusk, I would never do that.”

“Comedy is not pretty.”

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”

“Some people have a way with words, and other people… oh, uh, not have way.”

“I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.”

“Thankfully, persistence is a great substitute for talent.”

“I saw the movie, 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon' and was surprised because I didn't see any tigers or dragons. And then I realized why: they're crouching and hidden.”

“Boy, those French! They have a different word for everything.”

“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”

“I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.”

“… you're nuts but you're welcome here.”

“Be so good they can't ignore you.”