Lewis Grizzard citations

“Baptists never make love standing up. They're afraid someone might see them and think they're dancing.”

“The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life's most delightful elixirs, which studies prove will heal the sick and occasionally raise the dead, is to put bourbon in it.”

“Kinky sex involves the use of duck feathers. Perverted sex involves the whole duck.”

“I have it on good authority that Yankee men are so lazy they marry pregnant women.”

“My ex-wives had one thing in common. When they left, they all backed up a truck.”

“First, we really don’t care how you did it in Chicago. Second, if you miss it so much, Delta is ready when you are.”

“Bad luck is meeting your date's father and realizing he's the pharmacist you bought condoms from that afternoon.”

“I have three ex-wives. I can't remember any of their names, so I just call 'em Plaintiff.”

“How can I trust a bank to keep my money safe when it has dozens of pens stolen every day?”

“There's a big difference between the words, ‘naked’ and ‘nekkid.’ ‘Naked’ means you don't have any clothes on. ‘Nekkid’ means you don't have any clothes on - and you're up to something.”

“The world around me is a tuxedo, and I'm a pair of brown shoes.”