George Carlin citations (305 citations, Page 8)

vous savez ce que je dis à ces gens ? Pré-sucez ma situation génitale ! Et ils semblent comprendre de quoi je parle.
Jammin' in New York (Improvisation à New York), 1992

“Hansel et Gretel ont découvert la maison en pain d'épices à peu près 45 minutes après avoir découvert les champignons.”

George Carlin

Toledo Window Box, 1974

“Ça me rappelle de quelque chose que disait mon grand-père. Il disait « Je vais monter pour baiser ta grand-mère ». C'était un homme honnête, il n'allait pas mentir à un gosse de quatre ans.”

George Carlin

“Avez-vous remarqué que la plupart des femmes qui sont contre l'avortement sont aussi les femmes que de toutes façons vous ne voudriez pas baiser? Il y a un équilibre dans la nature.”

George Carlin

A Place for My Stuff (Un endroit pour mes affaires), 1981

“Maintenant voici un autre exemple de surprotection. Vous avez déjà remarqué aux infos à la télé, chaque fois qu'un mec avec un AK-47 se ballade dans une école et tue 2 ou 3 gosses et 2 profs, le lendemain, le lendemain, l'école est envahie de conseillers, de psychiatres, et de psychothérapeutes pour aider les gosses à s'en sortir? Moi, quand j'étais à l'école, quelqu'un venait dans notre école et tuait 3 ou 4 d'entre nous, on continuait avec nos calculs. 35 écoliers moins 4 égale 31. On était durs. On était durs.”

George Carlin

You Are All Diseased (Vous êtes tous malades), 1999

“Catholique — ce que j'étais avant d'atteindre l'âge de raison.”

George Carlin

Back in Town (De retour), 1996

“Je considère la guerre différemment. Pour moi, la guerre c'est agiter sa bite! OK? Très simplement. C'est tout ce que c'est. La guerre c'est un tas de mecs debout dans un champ, agitant leurs bites entre eux-mêmes. Les hommes sont complexés par la taille de leurs verges, et ils doivent s'entretuer à cause de cette idée. C'est la même merde avec ces connards de sportifs débiles. C'est la raison pour les gros machos, ces mâles puérils qui se pavanent et se paradent dans les bars et les vestiaires. C'est la « peur du phallus »! Les hommes sont terrifiés à l’idée que leurs verges soient inadéquates et donc ils doivent se rivaliser, pour mieux se sentir, et comme la guerre est l'ultime rivalité, en gros, les hommes s'entretuent par amour-propre! Il n'est pas nécessaire d’être un historien ou un chercheur à sciences po pour voir en œuvre la politique extérieure d'avoir la plus grosse bite. Ça ressemble à ça : « Quoi, leurs bites sont plus grosses? Qu'on les bombarde! » Évidemment, les bombes et les missiles et les balles ont tous la forme de bites. C'est un besoin subconscient de projeter le pénis dans les affaires des autres. Ça s'appelle « niquer le reste du monde! »”

George Carlin

Jammin' in New York (Improvisation à New York), 1992

“Celui qui a inventé l'expression « Caveat emptor » a dû saigner du cul.”

George Carlin

Caveat emptor signifie, en latin, « que l'acheteur soit vigilant ».
You Are All Diseased (Vous êtes tous malades), 1999

“Voici encore une autre connerie ignorante : les uniformes scolaires. Mauvaise théorie. L'idée est que si les gosses portent des uniformes à l'école, ça aidera à garder l'ordre. Les écoles ne font-elles pas assez de dégâts en faisant tous ces gosses penser pareil? Maintenant elles veulent les habiller pareils en plus? Et ce n'est pas une idée nouvelle. La première fois que j'ai vu ça, c'était dans les infos des années 1930, mais c'était difficile à comprendre parce que le narrateur était allemand!”

George Carlin

You Are All Diseased (Vous êtes tous malades), 1999

Cette traduction est en attente de révision. Est-ce correct?

“Je suis complètement en faveur de la
séparation de l'Eglise et de l'Etat.
… Ces deux institutions nous bousillent assez lorsqu'elles sont
seules, de sorte que toutes deux ensemble est
une mort certaine.”

George Carlin

Cette traduction est en attente de révision. Est-ce correct?

“La raison principale pour laquelle le Père Noël est si joyeux, c'est parce qu'il sait où vivent toutes les mauvaises filles.”

George Carlin

Cette traduction est en attente de révision. Est-ce correct?

“Se battre pour la paix, c'est comme se tromper sur la virginité.”

George Carlin

Cette traduction est en attente de révision. Est-ce correct?

“La religion est comme une paire de chaussures ..... Trouvez-en une qui vous convient, mais ne me faites pas porter vos chaussures.”

George Carlin

Cette traduction est en attente de révision. Est-ce correct?

“Avez-vous déjà remarqué que ceux qui conduisent plus lentement que vous sont des idiots et que ceux qui vont plus vite que vous sont des maniaques?”

George Carlin

Cette traduction est en attente de révision. Est-ce correct?

“Grattez n'importe quel cynique et vous trouverez un idéaliste déçu.”

George Carlin

George Carlin: Citations en anglais

“Regarding public Christmas displays: At some point, someone who worked at Rockefeller Center must have said, "Boys, I have a great idea for Christmas. Let's kill a beautiful tree that's been alive for seventy-five years and bring it to New York City. We'll stand it up in Rockefeller Plaza and conceal its natural beauty by hanging shiny, repulsive, man-made objects on it, and let it stand there slowly dying for several weeks while simpleminded children stare at it and people from Des Moines take pictures of it. That way, perhaps we can add our own special, obscene imprint to Christmas in Midtown."”

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George Carlin

Books, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? (2004)

“Comedy is filled with surprise, so when I cross a line… I like to find out where the line might be and then cross it deliberately, and then make the audience happy about crossing the line with me.”

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George Carlin

The Onion A.V. Club, November 10, 1999 http://www.avclub.com/articles/george-carlin,13629/ <br class="br">Interviews, Print Interviews

“When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts … Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend.”

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George Carlin

Real Time with Bill Maher, September 9, 2005
Interviews, Television Appearances

“The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance companies, there are six or seven information centers…but if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors. Because you have the illusion of choice!”

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George Carlin

Bill Maher's program on ABC
Interviews, Television Appearances

“Let me arrive safely back at my hotel room. Don't let me be attacked by a maniac wearing a french tickler and a space helmet. Don't let my beard become entangled in the gears of a transcontinental bus. And don't let me be hit by a flying turd.”

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George Carlin

Carlin on Campus (1984)

“I wonder why prostitution is illegal. Why should it be illegal to sell something that's perfectly legal to give away?”

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George Carlin

The Tonight Show With Johnny Carson (1989)
Interviews, Television Appearances

“"One thing leads to another"? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.”

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George Carlin

Books, Brain Droppings (1997)

“There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day.”

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George Carlin

Playing With Your Head (1986)

“If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.”

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George Carlin

Books, Napalm and Silly Putty (2001)

“And what can we do to silence these Christian athletes who thank Jesus whenever they win, never mention his name when they lose? Not a word. You never hear them say "Jesus made me drop the ball." "The good Lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage." According to these guys, Jesus is undefeated, meanwhile these assholes are in last place. Must be another one of those "miracles."”

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George Carlin

"Free-Floating Hostility"
Back in Town (1996)

“Have you noticed that there are some people, who when they lose something, their first reaction is that it had to be stolen? First thing- "Hey! It was stolen!" It's an ego defense. They can't stand the fact that they might have been stupid enough to have lost something. And even if it's something that anyone would really want that much. "Hey! Who stole my collection of used bandages?! And they also got away with my nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine!"”

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George Carlin

Playing With Your Head (1986)

“I used to be Irish Catholic; Now I'm an American. You know, you grow.”

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George Carlin

Class Clown (1972)
Source: Carlin, George, perf. Class Clown. Rec. 27 May 1972. Monte Kay, Jack Lewis, 1972. Vinyl recording.

“Some day birth control will come off prescription, and they'll need those cute little catchy names like the patent medicines have…some day birth control pills will have names like, "Preg-Not"! Doctors prefer "Embry-No"! Here's one for the ladies, "Nary-A-Carry"! Something lofty and poetic: "Nay Family Way"; something earthhy and crude: "Mom Bomb"; something for the youngsters, "Junior Miss"; here's a real man's product, "Inconceivable"! "Mommy-Not", "Fetus Fail", "Kiddie Kill", "Papa Stopper", "Womb Broom", "Humpty Dumpty"… I wouldn't be surprised if they came up with a birth control pill that doesn't work all the time; they'd call it "Baby Maybe!"”

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George Carlin

FM & AM (1972)

“Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with coincidence. If two baseball players from the same hometown, on different teams, receive the same uniform number, it is not ironic. It is a coincidence. If Barry Bonds attains lifetime statistics identical to his father's, it will not be ironic. It will be a coincidence. Irony is "a state of affairs that is the reverse of what was to be expected; a result opposite to and in mockery of the appropriate result." For instance: a diabetic, on his way to buy insulin, is killed by a runaway truck. He is the victim of an accident. If the truck was delivering sugar, he is the victim of an oddly poetic coincidence. But if the truck was delivering insulin, ah! Then he is the victim of an irony. If a Kurd, after surviving bloody battle with Saddam Hussein's army and a long, difficult escape through the mountains, is crushed and killed by a parachute drop of humanitarian aid, that, my friend, is irony writ large. Darryl Stingley, the pro football player, was paralyzed after a brutal hit by Jack Tatum. Now Darryl Stingley's son plays football, and if the son should become paralyzed while playing, it will not be ironic. It will be coincidental. If Darryl Stingley's son paralyzes someone else, that will be closer to ironic. If he paralyzes Jack Tatum's son, that will be precisely ironic.”

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George Carlin

Books, Brain Droppings (1997)

“Spoiler: advertising man says, "It's Good!"”

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George Carlin

Occupation: Foole (1973)

“I call him Governor Bush because that's the only political office he's ever held legally in this country. I don't care where they hang his portrait, I don't care how big his library is. To me, he'll always be "Governor Bush." I don't even capitalize his name when I type it anymore.”

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George Carlin

"George Bush"
It's Bad for Ya (2008)

“Birth control pills are still on prescription. You still need a note to get laid.”

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George Carlin

FM & AM (1972)

“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body”

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George Carlin

The actual author of this quote is Roger J. Corless, from his book "The Vision of Buddhism: the Space Under the Tree". The original quote is, "We make ourselves miserable by first closing ourselves off from reality and then collecting this and that in an attempt to make ourselves happy by possessing happiness. But happiness is not something I have, it is something I myself want to be. Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over my body." ( [Corless, Robert J., Vision of Buddhism: The Space Under the Tree, http://books.google.com/books?hl=de&id=KecGAAAAYAAJ&q=sandwiches#search_anchor, 2013-03-07, 1998, Paragon House, 1557782008, 20, 362] )
Misattributed

“It's the old American Double Standard, ya know: Say one thing, do somethin' different. And of course this country is founded on the double standard, that's our history! We were founded on a very basic double standard: This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free.”

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George Carlin

What Am I Doing in New Jersey? (1988)

“This conversation is bound to turn up. Two guys in a street meet each other, and one of them says, "Hey, did you hear? Phil Davis died." "Phil Davis? I just saw him yesterday." "Yeah? … Didn't help. He died anyway. Apparently, the simple act of you seeing him did not slow his cancer down. In fact, it may have made it more aggressive. You know, you could be the cause for Phil's death. How do you live with yourself?"”

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George Carlin

"Death"
It's Bad for Ya (2008)

“You might have noticed that I never complain about politicians. I leave that to others. And there's no shortage of volunteers; everyone complains about politicians. Everyone says they suck. But where do people think these politicians come from? They don't fall out of the sky; they don't pass through a membrane from a separate reality. They come from American homes, American families, American schools, American churches, and American businesses. And they're elected by American voters. This is what our system produces, folks. This is the best we can do. Let's face it, we have very little to work with. Garbage in, garbage out.”

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George Carlin

Books, Napalm and Silly Putty (2001)

“I'm a modern man, a man for the millennium, digital and smoke-free. A diversified multicultural postmodern deconstructionist. Politically, anatomically, and ecologically incorrect.”

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George Carlin

"Modern Man"
Life Is Worth Losing (2005)

“Government want to tell you things you can't say because they're against the law, or you can't say this because it's against a regulation, or here's something you can't say because its a… secret; "You can't tell him that because he's not cleared to know that." Government wants to control information and control language because that's the way you control thought, and basically that's the game they're in.”

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George Carlin

Doin' It Again, Parental Advisory: Explicit Lyrics (1990)

“I give you my revised list of the two commandments: "Thou shalt always be honest and faithful to the provider of thy nookie", and "thou shalt try real hard not to kill anyone, unless of course they pray to a different invisible man than the one you pray to". Two is all you need; Moses could have carried them down the hill in his fuckin' pocket, and I wouldn't mind those folks in Alabama posting them on the courthouse wall, as long as they provided one additional commandment: "Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself".”

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George Carlin

"The Ten Commandments"
Complaints and Grievances (2001)

“We are on a nice downward glide. I call it circling the drain … And the circles get smaller and smaller and faster and faster, if you watch the sink empty… Huish! And we'll be gone. And that's fine. I welcome it. I wish I could live 1000 years to watch it happen. From a distance — so I can see it all.”

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George Carlin

Archive of American Television http://www.emmytvlegends.org/interviews/people/george-carlin, from one of Carlin's final interviews (2008) <br class="br">Interviews, Television Appearances

“The fanatics have another name for fetuses. They call them the pre-born. Now we're getting creative. If you accept pre-born, I think you would have to say that, at the moment of birth, we go instantly from being pre-born to being pre-dead. Makes sense, doesn't it? Technically, we're all pre-dead.”

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George Carlin

Source: Books, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? (2004), p. 162

“Let's go for a drive OK? Well I'll go for a drive, you'll go for a ride. The person who drives the car they go for a drive, the other people they go for a ride. People don't know that, tell them when they're in your car. Say "you assholes are goin' for a ride!"”

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George Carlin

Carlin on Campus (1984)

“When they talk about drugs, they don't talk about all of them. They never mention coffee. The low end of the speed spectrum, I grant you, but there are coffee freaks. And they're walking around, nobody worrying about it.”

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George Carlin

FM & AM (1972)

“The planet is fine. The people are [bleeped out]. Because everyone is trying to save the planet. The planet doesn’t need that. The planet will take care of itself. People are selfish. And that's what they're doing is trying to save the planet for themselves to have a nicer place to live. They don't care about the planet in theory. They just care about having a comfortable place. And these people with the fires and the floods and everything, they overbuild, they put nature to the test and they get what's coming to them. That's what I say. That's what's happening, and I can't wait for the sea levels to rise. I can't wait for some of these cities to disappear. There are places that are going to go away. The map is going to change and that's because -- people think nature is outside of them. They don't take into them the idea that we are part of it. They say, "oh, we're going for a nature walk. We're going to the country because we like nature." Nature is in here. [points to chest] And if you're in tune with it, like the Indians, the Hopis, especially, the balance of life, the balance, the harmony of nature, if you understand that, you don't overbuild. You don’t do all this moron stuff.”

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George Carlin

The View, 24 October 2007 http://newsbusters.org/blogs/justin-mccarthy/2007/10/24/george-carlins-view-wildfire-victims-get-whats-coming-them <br class="br">Interviews, Television Appearances

“Let me get a sip of water here…you figure this stuff is safe to drink? [audience yells "No"] Actually, I don't care, I drink it anyway. You know why? 'Cause I'm an American and I expect a little cancer in my food and water. I'm a loyal American and I'm not happy unless I let government and industry poison me a little bit every day.”

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George Carlin

Doin' It Again, Parental Advisory: Explicit Lyrics (1990)