Dave Barry citations (121 citations, Page 3)

Dave Barry Is Not Making This Up http://books.google.com/books?id=Dl1Q8FYJT1cC&pg=PA57&dq=%22We+need+our+highest+judicial+body+to+stop+this+childish+bickering%22&hl=en&sa=X&ei=2H22UMHfGYeGiQKdp4GwBw&ved=0CDAQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&q=%22We%20need%20our%20highest%20judicial%20body%20to%20stop%20this%20childish%20bickering%22&f=false
Dave Barry is not Making This Up (1994)

“In sports, Vijay Singh wins the Masters golf tournament and is awarded the coveted green jacket, which is quickly snatched away by angry Buick executives and given to Tiger Woods.”

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Dave Barry

Dave Barry's History of the Millennium (So Far) (2007)

“Of course it’s possible that there really ISN’T any shadow government. The whole thing could be a phony story that was fed to The Washington Post to mislead our enemies. As you recall, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld recently admitted that the Pentagon had set up an office-officially named "The Office of Disinformation"-that was supposed to put out false statements to the media, thus throwing our enemies off the track. For example, if we were getting ready to attack Iraq, officials of the Office of Disinformation would hold a press conference and state: "Well, we’re certainly not going to attack Iraq!"”

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Dave Barry

The news media would report this, and Iraq would relax. France, meanwhile, would surrender.
Column for week of April 15, 2002
Columns and articles

“Stalin's strategy at the end of World War II was to acquire a small "buffer zone between Russia and Germany, consisting of Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania, Poland, Czechoslovakia, Hungary, Romania, Bulgaria, Yugoslavia, Albania, and most of Germany. In an effort to garner public support in these nations, Stalin mounted a public-relations campaign around the upbeat theme "Maybe We Won't Have Your Whole Family Shot," and in 1945 Eastern Europe decided to join the Communist bloc by a vote of 28,932,084,164,504,029-0. Heartened by this mandate, Stalin immediately ordered construction work to begin on the Iron Curtain, which was given its name by Sir Winston Churchill, who, in a historic anecdote at a dinner party, said, "Madam, I may be drunk, but an iron curtain has descended upon BLEAAARRRGGGHHH."”

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Dave Barry

Source: Dave Barry Slept Here: A Sort of History of the United States (1989), p. 126

“The transportation bill had over $5 billion worth of special local projects and favors attached to it, lamprey-like, by various congresspersons. But this is good, because these projects will CREATE JOBS. See, when the GOVERNMENT spends money, it creates jobs; whereas when the money is left in the hands of TAXPAYERS, God only knows what they do with it. Bake it into pies, probably. Anything to avoid creating jobs.”

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Dave Barry

Column for week of February 29, 1992 http://news.google.com/newspapers?id=HgBOAAAAIBAJ&sjid=5osDAAAAIBAJ&pg=5149,5086013&dq=dave-barry+pie+bake&hl=en
Columns and articles

“What Dad means by "see" of course, is "drive past at 67 miles per hour." Dad feels it is a foolish waste of valuable vacation time to get out of the car and actually go look at an attraction.”

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Dave Barry

Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need (1991)

“Denmark (also called "Norway") is best known as the original home of the prune Danish as well as the Vikings, who wore hats with horns sticking out of them, and for a very good reason: they were insane.”

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Dave Barry

Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need (1991)

“As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.”

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Dave Barry

Column, The Miami Herald, 21 January 1996
Columns and articles

“Thus was born the civil rights movement, an epic struggle that has required much sacrifice and pain, but which has enabled the United States to progress, in just three decades, from being a nation where blacks were forced to ride in the back of the bus, to being a nation where, due to federal cutbacks, there is no bus.”

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Dave Barry

Source: Dave Barry Slept Here: A Sort of History of the United States (1989), p. 138

“In sports, the U. S. Open is not actually held because it's more efficient just to mail the check to Tiger Woods.”

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Dave Barry

Dave Barry's History of the Millennium (So Far) (2007)

“The best way to learn Japanese is to be born as a Japanese baby, in Japan, raised by a Japanese family.”

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Dave Barry Does Japan (1992)

“Winter's here, and you feel lousy: You're coughing and sneezing; your muscles ache; your nose is an active mucus volcano. These symptoms -- so familiar at this time of year -- can mean only one thing: Tiny fanged snails are eating your brain.”

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Dave Barry

The Miami Herald, originally 16 November 2003
Columns and articles

“I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to.”

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Dave Barry

Columns and articles
Source: New York Times News Service article http://docs.newsbank.com/openurl?ctx_ver=z39.88-2004&rft_id=info:sid/iw.newsbank.com:AWNB:ORLB&rft_val_format=info:ofi/fmt:kev:mtx:ctx&rft_dat=0EB4F0B407FF900A&svc_dat=InfoWeb:aggregated5&req_dat=25BDDD9B91CF4278985B1339326C0BAB on reactions to the death of Superman, November 1992

“Tiger Woods is kidnapped by rival golfers, sedated, handcuffed, placed in a straitjacket, wrapped in chains, and locked inside a trunk, which is then weighted with concrete blocks and dropped into the deepest part of the Pacific Ocean. He easily wins the PGA Championship.”

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Dave Barry

Dave Barry's History of the Millennium (So Far) (2007)

“We travel because, no matter how comfortable we are at home, there's a part of us that wants - that needs - to see new vistas, take new tours, obtain new traveler's checks, buy new souvenirs, order new entrees, introduce new bacteria into our intestinal tracts, learn new words for "transfusion," and have all the other travel adventures that make us want to french-kiss our doormats when we finally get home.”

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Dave Barry

Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need (1991)

“U. S. News Organizations observe the anniversary of September 11 with investigations about the nation's continuing vulnerability to terrorism. First, the New York Daily News reports that two of its reporters carried box cutters, razor knives, and pepper spray on fourteen commercial flights without getting caught. Then ABC News reports that it smuggled fifteen pounds of uranium into New York City. Then Fox News reports that it flew Osama bin Laden to Washington, D. C., and videotaped him touring the White House.”

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Dave Barry

Dave Barry's History of the Millennium (So Far) (2007)

“I took an estimated two thousand years of high school French, and when I finally got to France, I discovered that I didn't know one single phrase that was actually useful in a real-life French situation.”

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Dave Barry

Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need (1991)

“What, exactly, is the Internet? Basically it is a global network exchanging digitized data in such a way that any computer, anywhere, that is equipped with a device called a "modem" can make a noise like a duck choking on a kazoo.”

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Column for August 22, 1999 http://docs.newsbank.com/openurl?ctx_ver=z39.88-2004&rft_id=info:sid/iw.newsbank.com:AWNB:WPIW&rft_val_format=info:ofi/fmt:kev:mtx:ctx&rft_dat=0EB2C3CA5DAE0B10&svc_dat=InfoWeb:aggregated5&req_dat=25BDDD9B91CF4278985B1339326C0BAB
Columns and articles