Craig Ferguson citations

Page 2

“I'm not so much a dragon slayer, more a dragon annoyer -- I'm a dragon irritater.”

“I knew that I had been partially right in the storeroom above the bar on Christmas Day.

Whoever I had become had to die.”

“Sometimes people think you’re smart if you question the status quo, if nothing else.”

“It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.”

“She still cared for me, and the best way I could make amends to her was to be happy.

I do have a knack for finding great women.”

“Divorce lawyers stoke anger and fear in their clients, knowing that as long as the conflicts remain unresolved the revenue stream will keep flowing.”

“The worst gift I was given is when I got out of rehab that Christmas; a bottle of wine. It was delicious.”

“I think in our desire to create a better America, we have to have civilized debate in this country and not just yelling.”

“You clap. The Censor wakes up. We all get into trouble.”

“Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde is a metaphor for alcoholism. He drinks a potion, becomes a monster. I know exactly how he feels.”

“People talk to old people like they're children.'Oh you're very old aren't you?' Yeah I'm old. I'm not stupid.”

“I have that hypocrisy of a parent in that I'm like,'Come on, you've got to toughen up at the same time let me take care of that for you.”

“Laughter separates us from despair and gives us a chance at love.”

“If you don't vote, you're a moron.”

“Another innocent victim of my pointless rage.”

“I view my own body as a petting zoo. I am the main attraction… And the only customer.”

“It's okay, I'm European [referring to a preceding sexually ambiguous comment].”

“[When beginning the cold open with another person] Please state your name for the camera.”

“Relax, you're among friends now. The long hard day is over and the roly-poly funny man is before you.”

“America is, for me, an aspiration, a philosophy, a way of being, a dream.”

“Sounds like a party at Elton John's house.”

“Oh, this isn't a talk show; it's more just filling time, really, 'til the infomercials start.”

“I did have a love for literature that overpowered my hatred of the people who taught it, and I think because I had no respect for the teachers, their attitude didn’t poison the writing that I was discovering for myself.”

“Being funny is a gift, and, when done well, is an art form.”

“The devil is not abroad at night in the form of a cat or a wolf or any other animal. He lives eternally in the hearts of men.”

“Like many of her sex, Sophie was fiercely competitive with other women, working on the crackpot theory that if she could be better in some way, men would like her more, respect her. Make her happy. She never cottoned on that the men she was attracted to, the men who found her attractive, didn’t like women.”

“Allowances can always be made for your friends to disagree with you. Disagreement, vehement disagreement, is healthy. Debate is impossible without it. Evil does not question itself. Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken.”

“I'm a vulgar lounge entertainer, I don't need to wear a tie.”

“[bends over] *errgh* Sorry for making that noise, but … that's what happens when you get older. One day what happens is that you bend over, and you never come back.”