Christopher Moore citations

Page 2

“This story is not and never was meant to challenge anyone's faith; however, if one's faith can be shaken by stories in a humorous novel, one may have a bit more praying to do.”

“He was a writer and words were his weapons.”

“Oh, I get it," I said. "It's a parable. Cute. Let's go eat.”

“I've won Satan's lottery.”

“The Emperor decided to make a proclamation to his troops about the importance of compassion in the face of the rising tide of heinous fuckery and political weaselocity in the nearby kingdom of the United States.”

“Routine feeds the illusion of safety…”

“Everyone is happier if they have someone else to look down on, as well as someone to look up to, especially if they resent both.”

“Love is not something you think about, it is a state in which you dwell”

“There's always a bloody ghost.”

“By Aladdin's lamplit scrotum, man! Everything is a story. What is there but stories? Stories are the only truth.”

“This is a bawdy tale. Herein you will find gratuitous shagging, murder, spanking, maiming, treason, and heretofore unexplored heights of vulgarity and profanity, as well as non-traditional grammar, split infinitives, and the odd wank.”

“Oh, I would while away the hours,
Wanking in the flowers, my heart all full of song,
I'd be gliding all the lilies as I waved about my willie,
If I only had a schlong.”

“He loved constantly, instantly, spontaneously, without thought or words. That's what he taught me. Love is not something you think about, it is a state in which you dwell. That was his gift.”

“That's the scary thing about hope," she said. "If you let it go too long it turns into faith.”

“Shoes off in the whale! And don't try and make a break for the anus.”

“And an inky-colored despair of rejection enveloped me like the black tortilla of depression around a pain burrito.”

“Only by being prepared for your death can you ever truly live.”

“I know that even now, having watched enough television, you probably won't even refer to them as lepers so as to spare their feelings. You probably call them 'parts-dropping-off challenged' or something.”

“No one knows why, but second only to eating the brains of the living, the dead love affordable prefab furniture.”

“They want to be tied up, I tie them up. They want to be spanked, I spank them. They want to be called names, I call them names. But try and drink a little of their blood, and they scream like babies. What about my needs?”

“Faith isn't an act of intelligence, it's an act of imagination.”

“We've been rehearsing a classic from antiquity,, the story of a young prince of Denmark who goes mad, drowns his girlfriend, and in his remorse, forces spoiled breakfast on all whom he meets.”

“I'm thinking of being a professional mourner. How hard can it be? Tear at your hair, sing a dirge or two, take the rest of the week off.”

“But she's a redhead, so she's probably evil, even at her tender age."

"I thought you liked redheads."

"I do. What's your point?”

“Life is loneliness, broken only by the gods taunting us with friendship and the odd bonk”

“Most of us don't live our lives with one, integrated self that meets the world, we're a whole bunch of selves.”

“Life is messy. Would that every puzzle piece fell into place, every word was kind, every accident happy, but such is not the case. Life is messy”

“… You seem upset, Charlie. Is something wrong?
Charlie: No, no, I’m okay, I just had to take directions from a mute beaver in a fez to get here, it’s unsettling.”

“I'll bet he was myrrh. Bastard, he brings the cheapest gift and now he wants to sodomize me.”