Chris Rock citations

“I used to work at McDonald's making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boss was trying to say? "Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it's against the law.”

“I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.”

“If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.”

“Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.”

“Comedy is the blues for people who can't sing.”

“Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know?”

“Men are as faithful as their options.”

“You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense”

“I do what I can do when I can do it.”

“If you're black, you got to look at America a little bit different. You got to look at America like the uncle who paid for you to go to college, but who molested you.”

“You can only offend me if you mean something to me.”

“It's hard for a man to turn down sex … if they chase us, we can't run that fast.”

“Wealth is not about having a lot of money; it's about having a lot of options.”

“Women need food, water, and compliments
That's right.
And an occasional pair of shoes.”

“Men lie the most,

women tell the biggest lies.”

“Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.”

“When I hear people talk about juggling, or the sacrifices they make for their children, I look at them like they're crazy, because 'sacrifice' infers that there was something better to do than being with your children.”

“You won't be able to take your eyes off the next four presenters: Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz.”

“You mean to tell me that Jamaicans invented sugar, reggae and the best drug on Earth and the white man makes all the money!?”

“Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C. B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special.”

“I ain't shooting nobody, so call me a faggot. When the war's over, I'll be the faggot with two legs.”

“Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies … a man's lie is, "I'm at Tony house, I'm at Kenny house!" A woman lie is like, "It's your baby!"”

“The government hates rap. That's why they don't arrest anybody that kills rappers! Only the good ones are dead, man! Only the good ones: Biggie dead, Tupac dead, Vanilla Ice still alive! They don't fill out a police report. They don't even have a chalk line when it's a dead rapper, they just take a piss around the body.”

“And even if you get shot by a stray bullet, you don't gotta go to no doctor to get it taken out, whoever shot you will take they bullet back! "I believe you have my property!"”

“Remember when we was young, everybody used to have these arguments about who's better, Michael Jackson or Prince? Prince won!”

“Our next presenter is the first woman to ever breast-feed an Apple – Gwyneth Paltrow.”

“[on John McCain being too old] When you die at 72, no matter what you die of, it's natural causes. Even if you get hit by a truck, it's natural causes. 'Cause if you was younger, you'd have got out the way!”

“Even if you meet the perfect person, it ain't gonna be at the perfect time. You're married, they're single. That's right. You're Jewish, they're Palestinian. You're a Mexican, they're a raccoon. You're a black woman, he's a black man.”

“Community college is like a disco with books: "Here's ten dollars; let me get my learn on!"”