Chelsea Handler citations

“There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.”

“At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her.”

“I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.”

“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”

“My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.”

“I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.”

“You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.”

“Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.”

“My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.”

“My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.”

“Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men.”

“It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be.”

“I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I could come over and sit on his face. I didn't say that out loud, of course. I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.”

“I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.”

“… some of the best sex I can barely remember.”

“My father has a high opinion of his opinion”

“Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.”

“Ivory's the kind of girl who gets drunk and immediately starts slurring. I have a lot of friends like that, and I think it's because it makes me look 'more together.”

“I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.”

“I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second… or the fifth. I'll just begin with what I can remember and not concern myself with order.”

“Then a homeless man with a dog approached us and put his hand out. This happens to be something that I have a real problem with: homeless people with pets who approach you for food when they have a perfectly delicious dog standing right there?”

“I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.”

“Don't choose the better guy, choose the guy that's gonna make you the better girl”

“Lydia was the kind of friend whom people referred to as a 'party favor' -- always fun to be around but she doesn't have any patience for suffering unless it's her own.”

“I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn't experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak.”

“My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.”

“He laid into me with the same gusto as a right-wing political pundit on the O'Reilly Factor defending President's Bush right to vacation six days out of the week.”

“Vomit and feces are two reason I have decided not to procreate.”

“I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.”