Stephen Colbert: Quotes about the trip

“The way to a man's heart is through his stomach… just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage.”

“I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade… which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.”

“Christianity is the best way to cure gayness—just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.”

“It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.”

“Take it from me, there's nothing like a job well done. Except the quiet enveloping darkness at the bottom of a bottle of Jim Beam after a job done any way at all.”

“It's the way our founding fathers would have wanted it, if they had founded corporations instead of just a country.”

“I believe democracy is our greatest export. At least until China figures out a way to stamp it out of plastic for three cents a unit.”

“By the way, Mr. President, thank you for agreeing to be on my show. I was just as shocked as everyone here is, I promise you. How's Tuesday for you? I've got Frank Rich, but we can bump him. And I mean bump him. I know a guy. Say the word.”