Stephen Colbert Quotes

page 2

“The more you know, the sadder you get.”

“I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd believe in if it wasn't for that.”

“Do you know what I like about comedy? You can’t laugh and be afraid at the same time—of anything. If you're laughing, I defy you to be afraid.”

“The only thing that gets me high is the musky scent of my enemy's fear”

“The summer movies are coming out. My advice: just stay home and burn a good book.”

“it's back to school time. or as home-schoolers call it, stay-where-you-are time.”

“Researchers from Britain's Keele University have found that swearing after an injury may help alleviate pain. Evidently, the pain that you feel is inversely proportional to the number of middle names you give Jesus.”

“Attack life, it's going to kill you anyway.”

“Knock Knock. Who's there? The Truth. No joke.”

“I love the truth. It's the facts I'm not a fan of.”

“Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.”

“What's the worst that can happen? A tidal wave? Glaciers with guns?”

“There's nothing wrong with stretching the truth. We stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious.”

“‎You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner!”

“Think books aren't scary? Well, think about this: You can't spell "Book" without "Boo!”

“I like the fact of John McCain's head being severed. Like that it will fit so much more nicely up George Bush's butt!”

“I guess 14% plus Jesus equals victory”

“Oliver Cromwell can kiss my singing emerald scrotum!”

“Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.”

“… why were you happier when you were a kid? Because you didn't know anything. The more you know, the sadder you get.”

“Like O'Rielly, we'll grab the most important word of each sentence… 'The' for example. Also, I'll say, 'I'm angry,' and the graphic will read, 'Colbert angry.”

“Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.”

“Now I don't know why he's denying them habeas corpus. I can only assume the guys they got detained over there did something really unforgivable. Like remind Obama he was once a professor of Constitutional Law.”

“Turn up your hearing aid 'Grandpa', because I'm only going to say this once!”

“I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work.”

“brb, ttyl ok? wow, i saved a 'ton' of time with those acronyms.”

“NC passed law against global warming science, therefore it's not happening. So I'm ignoring Twitter's 140-character limit, so it's not happ”

“My character is self-important, poorly informed, well-intentioned, but an idiot… So we said, "Let's give him a promotion."”

“After obsessively Googling symptoms for four hours, I discovered 'obsessively Googling symptoms' is a symptom of hypochondria.”

“Making a better tomorrow, tomorrow.”

“It's official. Highway patrolmen are not susceptible to the Jedi Mind Trick.”

“They said you can't go to the moon. They said you can't put cheese inside a pizza crust, but NASA did it. They had to, because the cheese kept floating off in space.”

“Don't let your girlfriend cut your hair!”

“While skin and race are often synonymous, skin cleansing is good, race cleansing is bad.”

“I think of him as well intentioned, poorly informed, high status idiot.”

“I believe democracy is our greatest export. At least until China figures out a way to stamp it out of plastic for three cents a unit.”

“Ambassador Zhou Wenzhong, welcome! Your great country [of China] makes our Happy Meals possible!”

“By the way, Mr. President, thank you for agreeing to be on my show. I was just as shocked as everyone here is, I promise you. How's Tuesday for you? I've got Frank Rich, but we can bump him. And I mean bump him. I know a guy. Say the word.”

“And I just like the guy. He's a good joe. Obviously loves his wife, calls her his better half, and polls show America agrees.”

“We decided that my character had a pre-show tradition, like a ritual, which was to sing the lyrics to "I Want You To Want Me" by Cheap Trick into the mirror. Because, more than anything else, as much as he says he's bringing the truth, he just wants to be liked.”

“Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a sub-prime fish loan and you're in business, buddy.”

“If I want to say he didn't that's my right, and now, thanks to Wikipedia — it's also a fact.”

“After acting for so many years, do you know who you are anymore? Because actors are liars basically, you lie about who you are to an audience.”

“Who's Britannica to tell me that the Panama Canal was built in 1914? If I want to say that it was built in 1941, that's my right as an American.”

“But, listen, let's review the rules. Here's how it works: the president makes decisions. He's the Decider. The press secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type. Just put 'em through a spell check and go home. Get to know your family again. Make love to your wife. Write that novel you got kicking around in your head. You know, the one about the intrepid Washington reporter with the courage to stand up to the administration. You know — fiction.”

“Mayor Nagin is here from New Orleans, the chocolate city… Mayor Nagin, I'd like to welcome you to Washington D. C., the chocolate city with a marshmallow center, and a graham cracker crust of corruption. It's a Mallomar I guess is what I'm describing.”

“Somebody pinch me. You know what? I'm a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough. Somebody shoot me in the face. Is he really not here tonight? Dammit.”

“I've got a theory about how to handle these retired generals causing all this trouble: Don't let them retire! Come on, we've got a stop-loss program; let's use it on these guys. I've seen Zinni and that crowd on Wolf Blitzer. If you're strong enough to go on one of those pundit shows, you're strong enough to stand on a bank of computers and order men into battle. Come on.”

“Well, I thought it was funny.”