Stephen Colbert: Trending quotes

Stephen Colbert trending quotes. Read the latest quotes in collection
Stephen Colbert: 262 quotes3 likes

“They said you can't go to the moon. They said you can't put cheese inside a pizza crust, but NASA did it. They had to, because the cheese kept floating off in space.”

Stephen Colbert

“You said the war would pay for itself in fruit baskets. You said that our soldiers would march in the streets of Havana and people would shower them with bananas and cigars. That didn’t happen. Would you like to look into the camera and apologize to the American people?”

Stephen Colbert

One of his questions to President Theodore Roosevelt in his series <i>Better Know A President</i> on <i>The Colbert Report</i> http://www.nofactzone.net/?p=1788 (17 May 2006)

“While skin and race are often synonymous, skin cleansing is good, race cleansing is bad.”

Stephen Colbert

"A Mock Columnist, Amok", in The New York Times (14 October 2007)

“I think of him as well intentioned, poorly informed, high status idiot.”

Stephen Colbert

On his character in The Colbert Report, in an interview on 60 Minutes http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2006/04/27/60minutes/main1553506.shtml (30 April 2006)

“I believe democracy is our greatest export. At least until China figures out a way to stamp it out of plastic for three cents a unit.”

Stephen Colbert

White House Correspondents' Association Dinner (2006)

“Ambassador Zhou Wenzhong, welcome! Your great country [of China] makes our Happy Meals possible!”

Stephen Colbert

White House Correspondents' Association Dinner (2006)

“By the way, Mr. President, thank you for agreeing to be on my show. I was just as shocked as everyone here is, I promise you. How's Tuesday for you? I've got Frank Rich, but we can bump him. And I mean bump him. I know a guy. Say the word.”

Stephen Colbert

Source: White House Correspondents' Association Dinner (2006)

“And I just like the guy. He's a good joe. Obviously loves his wife, calls her his better half, and polls show America agrees.”

Stephen Colbert

On George W. Bush.
White House Correspondents' Association Dinner (2006)

“We decided that my character had a pre-show tradition, like a ritual, which was to sing the lyrics to "I Want You To Want Me" by Cheap Trick into the mirror. Because, more than anything else, as much as he says he's bringing the truth, he just wants to be liked.”

Stephen Colbert

Parade web exclusive interview http://www.parade.com/celebrity/articles/070923-stephen-colbert.html (19 September 2007)

“Well folks, it's October and you know what that means: only a few more weeks 'til Hallowe'en when my family traditionally puts up our Christmas decorations. People come from far and wide to visit our haunted manger. We make their kids stick their hands in a spoooky bowl of Frankincense!! It's actually just spaghetti.”

Stephen Colbert

On The Colbert Report (28 September 2006). Video available at Colbert Nation http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/76103/september-28-2006/the-blitzkrieg-on-grinchitude

“Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a sub-prime fish loan and you're in business, buddy.”

Stephen Colbert

A parody of the "Give a man a fish..." proverb alluding to the subprime mortgage crisis of the aughts on The Colbert Report (14 May 2008)

“If I want to say he didn't that's my right, and now, thanks to Wikipedia — it's also a fact.”

Stephen Colbert

On the ownership of slaves by George Washington, on The Colbert Report (31 July 2006).

“After acting for so many years, do you know who you are anymore? Because actors are liars basically, you lie about who you are to an audience.”

Stephen Colbert

Stephen Colbert to Viggo Mortensen, The colbert Report September 18, 2014

“Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass, is my point. But I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash.”

Stephen Colbert

White House Correspondents' Association Dinner (2006)

“Who's Britannica to tell me that the Panama Canal was built in 1914? If I want to say that it was built in 1941, that's my right as an American.”

Stephen Colbert

White House Correspondents' Association Dinner (2006)

“But, listen, let's review the rules. Here's how it works: the president makes decisions. He's the Decider. The press secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type. Just put 'em through a spell check and go home. Get to know your family again. Make love to your wife. Write that novel you got kicking around in your head. You know, the one about the intrepid Washington reporter with the courage to stand up to the administration. You know — fiction.”

Stephen Colbert

White House Correspondents' Association Dinner (2006)

“Mayor Nagin is here from New Orleans, the chocolate city… Mayor Nagin, I'd like to welcome you to Washington D. C., the chocolate city with a marshmallow center, and a graham cracker crust of corruption. It's a Mallomar I guess is what I'm describing.”

Stephen Colbert

White House Correspondents' Association Dinner (2006)

“Somebody pinch me. You know what? I'm a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough. Somebody shoot me in the face. Is he really not here tonight? Dammit.”

Stephen Colbert

Expressing his awe at being so close to the president.
White House Correspondents' Association Dinner (2006)

“I've got a theory about how to handle these retired generals causing all this trouble: Don't let them retire! Come on, we've got a stop-loss program; let's use it on these guys. I've seen Zinni and that crowd on Wolf Blitzer. If you're strong enough to go on one of those pundit shows, you're strong enough to stand on a bank of computers and order men into battle. Come on.”

Stephen Colbert

White House Correspondents' Association Dinner (2006)