Stephen Colbert: Trending quotes (page 5)

“I like the fact of John McCain's head being severed. Like that it will fit so much more nicely up George Bush's butt!”

“I guess 14% plus Jesus equals victory”

“Oliver Cromwell can kiss my singing emerald scrotum!”

“Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.”

“… why were you happier when you were a kid? Because you didn't know anything. The more you know, the sadder you get.”

“Like O'Rielly, we'll grab the most important word of each sentence… 'The' for example. Also, I'll say, 'I'm angry,' and the graphic will read, 'Colbert angry.”

“Take it from me, there's nothing like a job well done. Except the quiet enveloping darkness at the bottom of a bottle of Jim Beam after a job done any way at all.”

“Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.”

“Now I don't know why he's denying them habeas corpus. I can only assume the guys they got detained over there did something really unforgivable. Like remind Obama he was once a professor of Constitutional Law.”

“Turn up your hearing aid 'Grandpa', because I'm only going to say this once!”

“I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work.”

“It's the way our founding fathers would have wanted it, if they had founded corporations instead of just a country.”

“brb, ttyl ok? wow, i saved a 'ton' of time with those acronyms.”

“NC passed law against global warming science, therefore it's not happening. So I'm ignoring Twitter's 140-character limit, so it's not happ”

“My character is self-important, poorly informed, well-intentioned, but an idiot… So we said, "Let's give him a promotion."”

“After obsessively Googling symptoms for four hours, I discovered 'obsessively Googling symptoms' is a symptom of hypochondria.”

“Life is chaotic and unpredictable. If a butterfly flaps its wings in
one part of the world, it could cause people at the opposite end of the globe to watch a Discovery Channel special on butterflies”

“Making a better tomorrow, tomorrow.”

“It's official. Highway patrolmen are not susceptible to the Jedi Mind Trick.”