Stephen Colbert: Trending quotes (page 4)

“The more you know, the sadder you get.”

“I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd believe in if it wasn't for that.”

“So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.”

“Do you know what I like about comedy? You can’t laugh and be afraid at the same time—of anything. If you're laughing, I defy you to be afraid.”

“I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade… which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.”

“The only thing that gets me high is the musky scent of my enemy's fear”

“The summer movies are coming out. My advice: just stay home and burn a good book.”

“Christianity is the best way to cure gayness—just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.”

“it's back to school time. or as home-schoolers call it, stay-where-you-are time.”

“It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.”

“Researchers from Britain's Keele University have found that swearing after an injury may help alleviate pain. Evidently, the pain that you feel is inversely proportional to the number of middle names you give Jesus.”

“Attack life, it's going to kill you anyway.”

“Knock Knock. Who's there? The Truth. No joke.”

“I love the truth. It's the facts I'm not a fan of.”

“Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.”

“What's the worst that can happen? A tidal wave? Glaciers with guns?”

“There's nothing wrong with stretching the truth. We stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious.”

“‎You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner!”

“In God's eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards.”