Jon Stewart Quotes (121 quotes, page 2)

“What would Jesus, or any human being who isn't an asshole, do?”

Jon Stewart

“You wonder sometimes how our government puts on its pants in the morning.”

Jon Stewart

“The Westboro Baptist Church is no more a church than Church's Fried Chicken is a church.”

Jon Stewart

“Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I figured this out.
I know what's wrong with what we've done in Iraq.
We've been following time as it goes forward.
What a classic mistake. Linear time is so pre-9-11.”

Jon Stewart

Time , Waiting

“The bias of the mainstream media is toward sensationalism, conflict, and laziness.”

Jon Stewart

“It's like hunting cows”

Jon Stewart

“No one is better at not beating America than England.”

Jon Stewart

“I don't know what all the controversy is about, quite frankly. I've met Eminem, I met him backstage, and he's really gay.”

Jon Stewart

Grammy Awards, February 21, 2001

“[with Stephen Colbert, after presenting the award for Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series to Ricky Gervais and being informed that Gervais was not there] Ricky Gervais couldn't be here tonight, so instead we're going to give this to our friend Steve Carell.”

Jon Stewart

Carell, who was among the nominees who had just lost to Gervais, then ran onto the stage, where the three of them group-hugged and jumped around screaming.
The 59th Primetime Emmy Awards (2007)

“30 AD: Death penalty debate heats up after controversial execution of alleged "Son of God."”

Jon Stewart book America

America (The Book): A Citizen's Guide to Democracy Inaction (2004)

Death , God , Penalty

“You wake up and you're still a little drunk and you can't believe that hot girl from last night actually has a beard and a penis.”

Jon Stewart

Cosmopolitan, January 1999, on embarrassing dates.

Girl , Night

“If you want to know why I’m here and what I want from you I can only assure you this: you have already given it to me. Your presence was what I wanted. Sanity will always be and has always been in the eye of the beholder. To see you here today and the kind of people that you are has restored mine. Thank you.”

Jon Stewart

Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear closing speech (2010)

People

“I've always run by the hierarchy of "If not funny, interesting. If not interesting, hot. If not hot, bizarre. If not bizarre, break something."”

Jon Stewart

Rolling Stone interview http://jon.happyjoyfun.net/tran/1990/95_0126rolling.html, January 26, 1995

“Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core.”

Jon Stewart

Amazon.com interview http://www.amazon.com/gp/feature.html?docId=542410, 2004

Guy

“Good evening everybody, ladies, gentlemen… Felicity.”

Jon Stewart

The 78th Academy Awards (2006)

“If Obama's a tyrant, he's a pretty tame tyrant. How many tyrants do you know that really suffer because they can't get cloture?”

Jon Stewart

The Bill O'Reilly Factor Appearance (2010)

Suffering

“Dedication: To the huddled masses, keep yearnin!”

Jon Stewart book America

America (The Book): A Citizen's Guide to Democracy Inaction (2004)

“For those of you who are keeping score at home, I just want to make something very clear: Martin Scorsese, zero Oscars. Three 6 Mafia, one.”

Jon Stewart

The 78th Academy Awards (2006)

Home

“Everybody thought Barack Obama was going to [inspire people] when he came to Washington, but, you know, the Senate seems like the place where smart people go to die.”

Jon Stewart

Originally spoken, reprinted in Mr. Obama Goes to Washington http://davidsirota.com/index.php/mr-obama-goes-to-washington/ By David Sirota in The Nation, June 7, 2006.

People

“Nazi Germany was so destructive to Judaism not only for the loss of life, but because many who survived began to see the practice of Judaism as somewhat of a health hazard.”

Jon Stewart book Naked Pictures of Famous People

Naked Pictures of Famous People (1998)

Life , Health , Loss

“That's the embarrassment. The embarrassment is that I'm given credibility in this world, because of the disappointment that the public has in what the news media does. Not because I have an ideological agenda.”

Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart to Chris Wallace, Fox News Interview June 19, 2011

World , Disappointment

“I have complete faith in the continued absurdity of whatever’s going on.”

Jon Stewart

Philadelphia Inquirer interview http://www.nofactzone.net/?p=1384, April 22, 2007

Faith

“We look at, the absurdity of the system provides us the most material. And that is best served by sort of the theater of it all, you know, which, by the way, thank you both, because it's been helpful.”

Jon Stewart

In response to Paul Begala's question of which 2004 presidential candidate would provide the best comedic material if elected.
Crossfire Appearance (2004)

Way , Help

“Most Americans don't live their lives solely as Democrats or Republicans or conservatives or liberals. Most Americans live their lives that are just a little bit late for something they have to do. Often it’s something they do not want to do, but they do it. Impossible things get done every day that are only made possible by the little, reasonable compromises.”

Jon Stewart

Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear closing speech (2010)

“Kurtz: So you don't, you're not confusing yourself with a quote, "real journalist"?
Stewart: No. You guys are—
Kurtz: You're just making fun—
Stewart: You guys are confusing yourselves with real journalists.”

Jon Stewart

2002-11-02
Reliable Sources
CNN
Television
http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0211/02/rs.00.html

Guy , Quotes

“[Fox News has] taken reasonable concerns about this president and this economy and turned it into a full-fledged panic about the next coming of Chairman Mao.”

Jon Stewart

Stewart on The O'Reilly Factor ( Partial transcript http://crooksandliars.com/david-neiwert/what-bill-oreilly-edited-out-his-int)
The Bill O'Reilly Factor Appearance (2010)

“[mobster impression] Hey! Nice nominee you got there. [sniff, tightens tie] Be a shame if something happened to him, Mr. President. Know what I mean?”

Jon Stewart

The Daily Show, February 21, 2013 http://thedailyshow.cc.com/videos/vqslp2/doc-blockers/

“Little and hairy. But if [The New York Post] want to go with smart and stylish then hey, more power to them. Good luck.”

Jon Stewart

Steppin' Out interview http://jon.happyjoyfun.net/tran/1990/93_1223steppingout.html, December 23, 1993, when asked how he would describe himself.

“The American people. For their just utter patience.”

Jon Stewart

On Larry King Live http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m_qAgaGYh3w, in response to the question "Who in this administration fascinates you the most?" February 26, 2006

People , Patience

“You're on CNN. The show that leads into me is puppets making crank phone calls. What is wrong with you?”

Jon Stewart

After being accused by Carlson of not having asked John Kerry hard-hitting enough questions during an interview on The Daily Show.
Crossfire Appearance (2004)

“As a comedian, as a person, as a citizen, as a mammal—in all of those areas, I am looking forward to the end of the Bush administration with every fiber of my being.”

Jon Stewart

Hartford Advocate Interview (2008)

Personality

“Through most of colonial history, inhabitants of the 13 colonies were loyal subjects of the British crown — resourceful, dedicated and as the Third Duchess of Kent… was fond of saying, "Some tea-drinkin' motherfuckahs." In fact, whenever the subject of the New World was mentioned, the Duchess could always be counted on for a wistful head-shake and a hearty "Motherfuckahs love that motherfuckin' tea."”

Jon Stewart book America

America (The Book): A Citizen's Guide to Democracy Inaction (2004)

Love , World , History , Tea

“I have not found this generation to be cynical or apathetic or selfish. They are as strong and as decent as any people that I have met. And I will say this, on my way down here I stopped at Bethesda Naval, and when you talk to the young kids that are there that have just been back from Iraq and Afghanistan, you don’t have the worry about the future that you hear from so many that are not a part of this generation but judging it from above.”

Jon Stewart

College of William & Mary Commencement Address (2004)

People , Way , Strong , Future

“And the other thing… that I will say is, when I spoke earlier about the world being broke, I was somewhat being facetious, because every generation has their challenge. And things change rapidly, and life gets better in an instant.”

Jon Stewart

College of William & Mary Commencement Address (2004)

Life , World , Change

“The best part is that I'm able to come in, and whenever I want, choose an intern… oh, wait — Is this being recorded? No, the coolest part is the ability to have a silly thought about whatever is going on in your world at 10 o'clock in the morning, and be able to see it go out on the airwaves at 11 o'clock that night. That's an amazing privilege.”

Jon Stewart

Philadelphia Inquirer interview, April 22, 2007

World , Waiting , Parting , Night

“We hear every damn day about how fragile our country is — on the brink of catastrophe — torn by polarizing hate and how it’s a shame that we can’t work together to get things done, but the truth is we do. We work together to get things done every damn day!”

Jon Stewart

Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear closing speech (2010)

Hate , Truth , Country

“But on what basis should the three branches of government be divided? It came down to two dueling ideas: Madison's proposal of an executive, judicial and legislative branch, and Georgia's Joseph Morton's proposal to dole out power according to, "The presence, forbearance, rectictude and largeosity of one's 'Plums and Carrot'." After much deliberation, it was decided Madison's proposal would be accepted, Morton only relenting after the Constitutional Convention agreed to proclaim him "impressive."”

Jon Stewart book America

America (The Book): A Citizen's Guide to Democracy Inaction (2004)

Idea

“This show is our own personal beliefs.”

Jon Stewart

Paley Center interview http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FpSw0j8-4_o&feature=SeriesPlayList&p=C889CCEBD1303E1D, in response to an audience question, "How do you keep your own personal beliefs from showing up in the show?"

Personality

“The best-laid plans of mice and comedians usually wind up on the cutting-room floor.”

Jon Stewart

Charleston Gazette interview http://jon.happyjoyfun.net/tran/1999/99_0109charl.html, January 9, 1999

“They said I wasn't being funny. And I said to them, "I know that, but tomorrow I will go back to being funny, and your show will still blow."”

Jon Stewart

Your Show Blows http://www.thedailyshow.com/video/index.jhtml?videoId=120614&title=Your-Show-Blows/, October 18, 2004
Crossfire Appearance (2004)

“Are you insane?!”

Jon Stewart

Responding to King's example, "So, you wouldn't want Medicare to fail?"

“Jon Stewart: And I made a special effort to come on the show today, because I have privately, amongst my friends and also in occasional newspapers and television shows, mentioned this show as being bad.
Paul Begala: We have noticed.
Stewart: And I wanted to — I felt that that wasn't fair and I should come here and tell you that I don't — it's not so much that it's bad, as it's hurting America.
Tucker Carlson: But in its defense —
Stewart: But I wanted to come here today and say — Here's just what I wanted to tell you guys:
Carlson: Yes.
Stewart: Stop. Stop, stop, stop, stop hurting America.”

Jon Stewart

Guy , Effort , Hurt

“Howard Kurtz: CNN has is broadcasting your show internationally.
Jon Stewart: I am not.
Kurtz: Does that make you legitimate?
Stewart: No, I am illegitimate. I am the bastard son of anything. We're not— we're fake.”

Jon Stewart

“Reform Jews are the children of Conservative Jews, or as they are sometimes known, Christians with curlier hair.”

Jon Stewart book Naked Pictures of Famous People

Naked Pictures of Famous People (1998)

Children

“My life [is] a series of Hollywood orgies and Kabbalah center brunches with the cast of Friends. At least that's what my handlers tell me. I’m actually too valuable to live my own life and spend most of my days in a vegetable crisper to remain fake news anchor fresh.”

Jon Stewart

College of William & Mary Commencement Address (2004)

Life

“Tonight is the night we celebrate excellence in film, with me, the fourth male lead from Death to Smoochy.”

Jon Stewart

Rent it.
The 78th Academy Awards (2006)

Death , Night

“If you look on their lawn, there are… it looks like a tent city of reporters. I don't know what insight they think they're going to glean from these people's grief, but if there's ever a situation where someone who's just lost their daughter has anything to say other than "this sucks," I'd be happy to see a news crew on their lawn, but until then, why are these people there?”

Jon Stewart

On exploitative media coverage of the Danielle Van Dam case, Paley Center for Media interview http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OymCVXtl3-4&feature=channel_page, 2002

People , Thinking , Daughters , Happiness

“Hitler: (biting into a bagel) First of all, Larry, I don't know what I was so afraid of. These are delicious!!!”

Jon Stewart book Naked Pictures of Famous People

Adolf Hitler is interviewed by Larry King.
Naked Pictures of Famous People (1998)

“May 3, 325: Rome built.”

Jon Stewart book America

America (The Book): A Citizen's Guide to Democracy Inaction (2004)

“I heard someone on the news say, well, "tragedy has visited this church.””

Jon Stewart

This wasn’t a tornado. This was a racist. This was a guy with a Rhodesia badge on his sweater. You know, I hate to even use this pun, but this one is black and white. There’s no nuance here. And we’re gonna keep pretending like “I don’t get it, what happened, there’s one guy who lost his mind”, but we are steeped in that culture in this country and we refuse to recognize it.
Charleston Church Shooting https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mjzrvRKv6Ks, June 19, 2015
The Daily Show (1999-2015)