Dylan Moran: Trending quotes

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Dylan Moran: 240 quotes2 likes

“I'm quite a compulsive person—I only worked this out recently—I'm compulsive, but I'm also very indecisive. I don't know what I want, but I know that I want it now.”

Dylan Moran

Like, Totally (2006)

“I have tried… believe me, I have tried to like rap music. It makes me feel so very, very old. I have tried to get home with the downies.”

Dylan Moran

Monster (2004)

“You ask women, “You know how painful is it? What are talking about here?” And you don’t get an answer, you get anger… and it always starts with the melon…“IMAGINE A MELON!… COMING THROUGH YOUR FACE!… fuckin' stay there, I’ll get a melon!””

Dylan Moran

On asking women about childbirth.
What It Is (2009)

“You cannot over estimate how infantile men are about sex! Men are people that have sex BECAUSE they have a headache… or are on fire, or have been shot in the head, or whatever it is!”

Dylan Moran

On men.
Monster (2004)

“The truth is that women are like chick peas under a psychopath's hat. They can be cherishable and zingy and suprising. But you ask too many questions and you get killed.”

Dylan Moran

Yeah, Yeah (2011)

“The ultimate human shopping list: I’d like some illegal, some forbidden, some frowned upon and some downright disgusting, please. I’ll have that to go, thank you!”

Dylan Moran

What It Is (2009)

“It's not even a drink. It's a way for having the cops around without using a phone.”

Dylan Moran

On Tequila.
What It Is (2009)

“The weak, sensual, pleasure-loving French. You know, not going to war because they’re all still in bed at two in the afternoon, with the sheets coiled about their knees, lying, there scratching themselves, smoking a Gauloise inside a Gitane, sweating Nice sancerre. Before one of them sloughs off the sheets to pad around the kitchen naked. No, not naked, naked from the waist down. To emphasise their nakedity. Picking up yesterday's croissant crumbs with their sweaty feet. Slashing yesterday's paintings.”

Dylan Moran

Monster (2004)

“Fruit… it's just God showing off. "Look at all the colours I know!"”

Dylan Moran

Like, Totally (2006)

“The candlelight dances off her mahogany-coloured skin as she un-robes, and she is smiling from the very middle of herself, and you look at them and you think "This is the one, this is it" and then—and then the cage comes down!”

Dylan Moran

On love.
Like, Totally (2006)

“Children aren't like that, which is why they look so young, 'cause they always have a sense of style and purpose. When they're walking around, they have a very definite purpose, they're walking. And it's a great walk as well, it's not an adult's sort of bemused shuffle, it's that 'I'm going over here.' And you say 'Why are you going over there?' 'Because I have a harmonica.' 'What are you doing with the harmonica?' 'I'm going to put it in the toilet.”

Dylan Moran

'Why are you doing tha—' 'Enough questions, goodbye!'
On children's attitude.
Like, Totally (2006)

“You're talking to a modern, nice, affable German person and they're saying to you something like 'You know, vell, it's a critical time now for Germany within Europe, also globally, economically ve are pretty good, ve have been better. But ve are very vibrant in the theater and arts…' and all the time you'll be listening to this, you're thinking Mmm, yeah, mmm… Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler…”

Dylan Moran

Like, Totally (2006)

“All male arguments are very early '70s, Soviet-made, uni-directional trundling behemoths that say the same thing again and again and again: "I told you I would be late on Tuesday, I told you I would be late, I said it, I heard my own voice, I did say it… I told yoouuuu." Whereas women seem to have these amazing, slinky stealth bombers designed by Jaguar! With a lovely cream leather interior and infinite torque! That's why they can respond by saying "Yes, maybe, alright, but why is the fridge door open?"”

Dylan Moran

"I don't understand, I don't understand..."
Monster (2004)

“Scotland, the country where they fry the food five times to make sure it’s dead; the country where they invented bacon flavour mouthwash.”

Dylan Moran

Yeah, Yeah (2011)

“Adulthood feels like walking around in the desert with a bag over your head, being bumped into by people who rob you as they bore you.”

Dylan Moran

On adulthood.
What It Is (2009)

“Now, I meant to talk about something else earlier on, and I've forgotten what it was. I've remembered what it is again, but I've also forgotten. And that's really what adult life is like most of the time.”

Dylan Moran

Like, Totally (2006)

“And women as a group, en masse, do show contempt for men, en masse… as a group, you hear a lot of contempt for men: "Oh look! Look at them, look! There they go! One of them's trying to DO something."”

Dylan Moran

What It Is (2009)

“Or when people break up, they always use a bunch of lines on each other, you know, terrible rubbish lies, like "It’s not you, it’s me, it’s me." It’s NEVER you, it’s always them! You should level with these people! Tell them! "You know that strange sound you used to hear when you were going to sleep? That was me CHEWING the bed, out of sheer boredom! OOOOHH, How I HATE you, I hate you so much it gives me energy! I have to get up early in the morning to hate you because there isn’t time enough in the day. Please, GO AWAY!" Or that other BULLSHIT: "I need more space!" People never quantify exactly how much space they really need.. do they? But strangely enough, it always seems to be the exact same height, depth and breadth as you.”

Dylan Moran

On breakups.
Monster (2004)

“Beer must be made by food companies. It makes you wander the streets at 3 am looking for things to eat. "What's that, is it moving, get it!! It's a nun! FRY HER!! FRY HER!"”

Dylan Moran

On beer.
Monster (2004)

“Well, you know what they say about John, anyway?”

Dylan Moran

Monster (2004)