Daniel Tosh: Likeness

Daniel Tosh is American stand-up comedian. Explore interesting quotes on likeness.
Daniel Tosh: 56   quotes 0   likes

“I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance — fake… We have shows like Extreme Make-Over: "I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it."”

Daniel Tosh

True Stories I Made Up (2005)

Women , Appearance , Personality , Happiness

“You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!"”

Daniel Tosh

Comedy Central Presents: Daniel Tosh (2003)

Girl

“Anal sex is a lot like spinach: if you're forced to have it as a child, you won't enjoy it as an adult.”

Daniel Tosh

True Stories I Made Up (2005)

Sex

“Don't you love it when people in school are like, "I'm a bad test taker?" You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here[points to head], but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson's. I apologize if there's a Parkinson's painter in the audience. I assume your best work is in the A. M. Probably gets a bit abstract by noon.”

Daniel Tosh

Happy Thoughts (2011)

Love , God , People , Stupidity

“Wouldn't it be funny if that girl got raped by like, five guys right now? Like right now? What if a bunch of guys just raped her…”

Daniel Tosh

Laugh Factory (2012); as quoted in "Daniel Tosh apologises for rape joke as fellow comedians defend topic" https://www.theguardian.com/culture/us-news-blog/2012/jul/11/daniel-tosh-apologises-rape-joke, Amanda Holpuch, The Guardian, 11, Jul 2012

Guy , Girl

“Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.”

Daniel Tosh

Happy Thoughts (2011)

“Have you heard about the kid who lost his head at Six Flags? The first time I read it, I thought, "Oh my God…How can I make this funny for everybody?"…Here goes. What happened was, he was in a church youth group and he lost his hat during the roller coaster. Afterwards, he was like, "I'm going to go get my hat." And there was a big fence with signs that said, "Hey, cut your losses." And he was like, "What? Have you SEEN me in that hat? Not today, fence!" So, he climbed that fence, and then there was another fence with a sign that probably said, "Hey, come on, knock it off." He was like, "You can't tell me how to live, signs!" And he climbed over that fence and there, the story ends. Did he get the hat? I'd like to think he did. That small silver lining, "Hey, I got my hat!"”

Daniel Tosh

Then whack, right then! And I know he was on a church youth group and they don't believe in evolution, but that kid was going to get picked off sooner or later.
Happy Thoughts (2011)

God , Youth , Thinking , Loss

“Even when I was a kid, my imaginary friend would play with the kid across the street. I'd be like, "Hey, so I guess I'll see you later," and he's, like, "Whatever, queer."”

Daniel Tosh

That's a hate crime!
Comedy Central Presents: Daniel Tosh (2003)

Hate

“Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, "Hey, at least I'm not pregnant."”

Daniel Tosh

Comedy Central Presents: Daniel Tosh (2003)

Feeling , Home