Bill Engvall: Trending quotes

Bill Engvall trending quotes. Read the latest quotes in collection
Bill Engvall: 142 quotes2 likes

“[taking a vacation with his family in Costa Rica]
I go "what is it?" And she goes "we're going on a shark feeding frenzy!" Okay, wait… we're in a boat looking down in the water? "No, that's the best part! We're in the water with the sharks!"”

Bill Engvall

And I go "have you lost your mind???"
Aged and Confused (2009)

“[watching a baseball game in Los Angeles]
This guy from L. A. sits down next to me, and he goes, "You like baseball?" I said, "Oh, man, I love baseball." He goes, "Did you know that, if Jesus had played ball, he'd have been the greatest ball player ever?" Like I'm gonna argue that point. So I sat there for a second, I turned to him, and I said, "Did you know that if Babe Ruth had been the Messiah, the Catholics would have beer and hot dogs at Communion?"”

Bill Engvall

He left.
Now That's Awesome (2000)

“Jeff's, Larry's, and Ron's Heres Your Sign.”

Bill Engvall

Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie (2003)
Here's Your Sign

“Bill and his brother-in-law had shot a deer and drove it in to get processed. At a rest stop, a woman stops at the truck
Woman: Did y'all shoot this deer?!
Bill's Brother-in-law: No, ma'am, we did not shoot this deer. It was the saddest thing. We were just driving down the road, the deer got into the back of our truck at a stop sign, handed us a note and then shot himself! Here's your sign.”

Bill Engvall

15 Degrees Off Cool (2007)
Here's Your Sign

“in the lost luggage office in Buffalo
Lost luggage employee: Can I help you?
Engvall: Yes, you lost my luggage.
Employee: [looking directly at Bill] Has your plane landed yet?
Engvall: No, princess. I'm having an out of body experience. I'm just checkin' on it.”

Bill Engvall

Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie (2003)
Here's Your Sign

“His explanation for the "signs"
I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.”

Bill Engvall

Here's Your Sign (1996)
Here's Your Sign

“at the Engvalls' home, Travis is about to play on the piano.
Engvall's son, Travis: I'm going to play you a song from Harry Potter.
Engvall: Oh, the movie?
Travis: No, the book. Here's your sign.
When telling the joke on Here's Your Sign: Live! (2004), he stops his son before he says "sign."”

Bill Engvall

Here's Your Sign, "Here's <i>MY</i> Sign..."

“I thought "RV" stood for "Recreational Vehicle." No! It stands for "Ruins Vacations."”

Bill Engvall

Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie (2003)
Now That's Awesome (2000)
Multiple

“Men have three basic needs: Eating, sleeping, sex. That's it.”

Bill Engvall

Here's Your Sign Live! (2004)

“Welcome to my garage! This is where I go to get away from the honey-do list.”

Bill Engvall

15° Off Cool (2007)

“I've come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid's parent/teacher conference. Number one: "You're only responsible for the first $10,000 worth of damage." Number two: "We have medication for this." And number three: "It was more than an ounce and he was less than 100 yards from the school."”

Bill Engvall

Cheap Drunk: An Autobiography (2002)

“[his plan to prevent potential boyfriends from taking advantage of his daughter]
I'm going to pull him in tight next to me so only he and I can hear the conversation. And I'm gonna say to him, "Boy, look at me. You see that little girl right there? She's my only little girl, man. She's my life. So if you have any... thoughts... about huggin', or... kissin', you remember these words: 'I've got no problem going back to prison.'"”

Bill Engvall

Blue Collar Comedy Tour, Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie (2003)

“(mimicking a fish's gills wither side of his neck) "Hey…" (cracks) You paid to see it… "hey… Ever eaten a worm?" (2nd fish) "What? When did you ever eat a worm?" "Oh, one day, me and my buddy were laying on the bank… trying to catch our breath…"”

Bill Engvall

thank you, for those of you who got that...
15° Off Cool (2007)

“[about how people in the 90's used "awesome" wrongly]
Webster's dictionary defines awesome as "anything that leaves you in awe and wonder." Like winning the lottery—twice. That's awesome. Getting a call from the IRS saying you've been audited and they owe you $50,000—that would be awesome. Ladies, you wake up tomorrow morning and the newspaper reads, "Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth." That would be awesome. Getting invited to the Playboy Mansion—on trampoline night, that would be awesome. And I started thinking, ladies and gentlemen, what would be awesome for Bill Engvall? What would leave me in awe and wonder? And it would have to be, if I left this stage tonight and I went back to my hotel room, and Shania Twain met me at my door, wearing nothing but a fur coat, holding a note from my wife that said, "Have a good time!"”

Bill Engvall

THAT would be AWESOME! It ain't gonna happen—but that would be awesome.
Now That's Awesome (2000)

“Engvall and his wife have, for three days, had a cement truck in their yard to re-do their porch.
Neighbor: You pouring concrete?
Bill: No, we're making big margaritas. Here's your sign.”

Bill Engvall

Now That's Awesome (2000)
Here's Your Sign

“This year, ladies and gentlemen, I was cool for 2 seconds of my life. I got to fly with the Air Force Thunderbirds. (Audience hoots and hollers) You betcha! They called me up out of the blue, and they go, "Hey, we want you to fly with us." And I'm like, "You got the right number?" They said, "Yeah, Bill Engvall, comedian. You stand for what America stands for. Be an honor to have you fly with us." I'm like, (dork voice) "Be an honor to fly with 'ya." He goes, "Well, we gotta get you clearance from the Pentagon."”

Bill Engvall

I go, "Well, you're screwed."
15 Degrees Off Cool (2007)
15° Off Cool (2007)

“I might've tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn't know it 'till he hit the ground. Oh, he flew off that tower, hollerin' at his buddies, "Whoo! Whoa, check me out, dudes! Whoo, that ground is coming up…"—BAM! And what do you say, if you're the operator of that ride, to the next guy in line? "All right, dude– you're up."”

Bill Engvall

Dorkfish (1998)

“[about "TV golfers" who try to help other people out]”

Bill Engvall

Here's Your Sign (1996)

“[after watching a spitting cobra spit at Steve Irwin]
Y'all, I am screaming at my television set: THEY'RE SPITTING COBRAS, YOU MORON!! Didn't you hear the”

Bill Engvall

Hocking sound
Here's Your Sign Live! (2004)

“A friend bought two cakes for his wife's birthday, with a "3" on one and an "8" on the other.
Store clerk: Oh, do you have twins?
Bill's friend: Yup, my wife was in labor for five years.”

Bill Engvall

Here's Your Sign: Live! (2004)
Here's Your Sign