Bill Engvall: Trending quotes (page 2)

“In the store, Bill is buying some pants.
Clerk: You gonna buy these?
Engvall: Nope, gonna steal 'em. Just wanted you to see them before I walked out of the store. Here's your sign.”

Bill Engvall

Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie (2003)
Here's Your Sign

“My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties. Welcome to my world.”

Bill Engvall

Cheap Drunk: An Autobiography (2002)

Stupidity , World

“Tow truck is pulling Bill's car out of his driveway
Bill's neighbor: Getting your car towed?
Bill: Nope, we're mating it, hoping to get a Mini Cooper.”

Bill Engvall

15 Degrees Off Cool (2007)
Here's Your Sign

Hope , Cars

“Engvall is in an office elevator going up.
friend: Excuse me, are these the elevators that go up?
Engvall: No, these go side to side. The up ones are down the hall. (to audience) HE WALKED AWAY!”

Bill Engvall

Here's Your Sign: Live! (2004)
Here's Your Sign

“[playing Pictionary with his wife and some friends]
[My wife] goes "that's not a bicycle, Rembrandt!" And I go "well, it ain't a monkey wearing glasses, Helen Keller!"”

Bill Engvall

Aged and Confused (2009)

“I love Slim-Jims so much, I once called their hotline. I swear to God. I told them, "I got your next billion-dollar idea." And the lady on the other end goes, "Oh, do tell." I said, "Alright. Men love beer and Slim-Jims. So, what you need to do, is drill a hole in the middle of that Slim-Jim… so we can suck beer through it and take a bite of Slim Jim! [Audience cheers] Yeah. GENIUS!… She hung up on me.”

Bill Engvall

15° Off Cool (2007)

Love , Men , God , Idea

“Engvall has an elk hung on the wall.
Neighbor: Oh, man. I didn't see that. God dang, did you shoot that thing?
Engvall: Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign.”

Bill Engvall

Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie (2003)
Here's Your Sign: Live! (2004)
Here's Your Sign

God

“Because we've become so ecologically minded now, they have developed a product called "Rapidly Dissolving Toilet Paper." Just how "rapidly" are we talking? 'Cause I don't want to have to play "Beat the Clock" in the thicket.”

Bill Engvall

Blue Collar Comedy Tour, Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie (2003)

“A half a Vicodin and a Bahama Mama…makes for a bitchin' day!”

Bill Engvall

Here's Your Sign Live! (2004)

“Larry's grandmother has died at age 104
Larry: My grandmother just passed away, 104.
Flower store clerk: Ooh, 104? How'd she die?
Larry: How'd she die? She's 104! She wrecked her Harley up here at Bike Week. Here's your sign.”

Bill Engvall

Here's Your Sign

Age , Flowers

“[about magazines school children sell, which his wife buys without even looking at what she's buying]
We get a magazine called Modern Ferret. It's a magazine about that hairy rat, I swear to God! And if you ever see it, pick it up. On the inside cover, it's a woman and a man, who publish this magazine, and they wrote this inscription: "Someday, we hope to make money doing what we love, playing with our ferret." Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't Pee-Wee Herman lose a lot of money playing with his ferret?”

Bill Engvall

Cheap Drunk: An Autobiography (2002)

Love , Money , God , Children

“Engvall and his wife are packing up their stuff to move, with a U-Haul sitting in their driveway.
Friend: Y'all movin?
Engvall: Nope, me and the wife just like to pack all our stuff up once or twice a week, see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign.”

Bill Engvall

A Decade of Laughs (2004)
Here's Your Sign

Box

“She's online with her friends, and little boys are starting to call the house. Oh, my God, we had a kid call the house at two in the morning. Oh, I lost it. 'Cause first of all, I'm off in La-la land with Shania Twain in the mountains somewhere. I hear a phone ring and I'm like "Who's got a phone in the mountains??" So when I realize it's my phone, I'm already a little miffed, so I go, "Hello!" And this little voice says "Uh... is Emily there?" And I go, "Dude, if you have a brain in your skull, you will hang this phone up right now!" Click. Then my wife turns to me and goes, "Bill, you've got to be nice."”

Bill Engvall

And I go, "No, ma'am. "Nice" stops at midnight!"
Blue Collar Comedy Tour, Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie (2003)

God , Mountain , Boy , Housing

“Watching NASCAR with my wife is like taking a test. Every single turn, she has a question. Now, here's the problem. Sometimes her questions actually make sense. I don't have an answer for them. So, I have to that guy thing and go Pfft! You ever hear your man do that, ladies? That means he doesn't know the answer, but he's thinking.”

Bill Engvall

Blue Collar Comedy Tour, Blue Collar Comedy Tour: One For the Road (2006)

Guy , Question , Problem , Thinking

“My son is 12 now, and is really getting into girls. A lot. But the thing about twelve year old boys is that they don't possess what I like to call that... discretionary gene yet. We were walking home from the ballfield the other day and there was a woman walking towards us who was... gifted. I saw them, and I saw him see them. But she was too close for me to go, "Dude, shut up." She hadn't walked two feet behind us and he goes "God dang, did you see the SIZE of those things?"”

Bill Engvall

And all I could say was "Yeah, I did!"
Here's Your Sign Live! (2004)

God , Home , Girl , Boy

“After Bill is exhausted at a baseball fantasy camp, walking crooked.
Woman: Do your legs hurt?
Bill: Nope, just crapped my pants. Here's your sign.”

Bill Engvall

Here's Your Sign

Hurt

“Engvall's car breaks down on a highway, there's smoke pouring out of the hood, and a motorist stops to help him.
Motorist: Did your car break down?
Engvall: Nope, my car wanted a cigarette, so I pulled over. Here's your sign.”

Bill Engvall

Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie (2003)
Here's Your Sign

Cars , Help

“Boobs are the center of power. Boobs can make a 6-month old baby and a 65 year old man both act the same way. And I'm a big fan. Oh, man, I love 'em! And I ain't picky neither. I hate when I hear guys go "I don't like little boobs." I don't care! Big boobs, little boobs, saggy boobs, perky boobs. You could have boobs that look like nanners, I don't give a damn! They're the perfect toy! You squish them, mush them, POOF! They come right back out! You can't even break 'em! Oh, they're amazing. Boobs can make a long trip seem short, make a bad day seem great. [Points to member of the audience] Bud, let's say you had a bad day at work. Boss been chewing you out all day long. Little girl sitting next to you shows you her boobs, you're like, "This day was GREAT!"”

Bill Engvall

15° Off Cool (2007)

Love , Hate , Way , Guy

“Before I got married, I was on a date one night. This girl had a snake as a pet. A 12-foot boa constrictor; she named it Fluffy. Well, that's just sick in my book. But I didn't know about the snake, and it was our first date. We'd been out drinking. We drank way too much. We get back to her mobile home. Woo, wish I was making that part up. She shuts the door behind me and gives me one of these. [hisses, exhales] She wasn't real good at it, alright? "I'm gonna slip into something a little more comfortable… okay?" and I'm like, "Alright! I'll be waitin' right here! Well, maybe here. Hell, you'll see me." She comes out of the bedroom/kitchen… in a negligee and that snake wrapped around her neck. Boy, that'll sober you up! I'm backin' out the front door, going, "No, thanks, I can drive." She looks at me and she goes, "No, wait, Bill! Fluffy can wrap around us while we make love."”

Bill Engvall

I said, "No, he can't, 'cause I'll kill him... Okay?"
Here's Your Sign (1996)

Love , Books , Making love , Way

“Truck driver gets his truck stuck under an overpass, with Engvall watching.
Cop: You get your truck stuck?
Engvall: And God bless this trucker, without missing a beat, he goes: "Nope, I was deliverin' that overpass, I ran outta gas."”

Bill Engvall

Here's your sign.
Now That's Awesome (2000)
Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie (2003)
Here's Your Sign

God