Bill Bailey: Trending quotes (page 5)

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Bill Bailey: 186   quotes 2   likes

“I'm English, and as such I crave disappointment. That's why I buy Kinder Surprise. Horrible chocolate; nasty little toy: a double-whammy of disillusionment! Sometimes I eat the toy out of sheer despair. I call them the Eggs Of Numbing Inevitability. And when I buy them, I always ask for them in the third person: "Bill Bailey would like the Eggs Of Numbing Inevitability." I did that the other day and it answered me back, and he said to me: "No, I am Bill Bailey. You are not Bill Bailey, you are just a mere doppelgänger. I am the true Bill Bailey, in another dimension." And I went, "Oh, I hadn't planned on that." Then I thought the only way to solve this, I have to run at my doppelgänger, then we will be fused forever. So I ran full-tilt at it, and just before I got there I realised it was the highly polished side of the cheese counter.
Ch. 12, 21:57”

Bill Bailey

Bewilderness (DVD, 2001)

Disappointment , Way , Personality , Despair

“I can't ever remember ever seeing any charity porn, though. "Farmyard Frolics 3: A portion of this goes to a women's literacy programme in Eritrea."”

Bill Bailey

Part Troll (2004)

Women

“[Re:Claims Direct] No win, no fee, no basis in reality. Just a room above a minicab office in Acton and a steady stream of greedy simpletons whose delusion is only matched by their clumsiness.”

Bill Bailey

Lyrics, Misc.

Reality

“Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish.”

Bill Bailey

Remarkable Guide to the Orchestra (2008)

World , Nature

“I'm quite lucky, because I've got a small, decorative concrete pig.”

Bill Bailey

Cosmic Jam (tour 1995, DVD 2005, 2006)

“Who photographs kebabs?”

Bill Bailey

Cosmic Jam (tour 1995, DVD 2005, 2006)

“Aldous Huxley took the drug mescaline and then chronicled his experience in the book The Doors of Perception. Now, I don't actually think that's the first thing he wrote: he probably wrote 'my brain is melting' ten thousand times, but it was the book that the critics latched on to.”

Bill Bailey

Is It Bill Bailey? (TV, 1998)

Books , Thinking , Time

“It's what we've always known for many years outside of Australia…You can't have a world leader called Kevin.”

Bill Bailey

On Kevin Rudd
Dandelion Mind (2010)

World

“The scotch egg is such a Scottish food. It's as though a great Scottish chef said "I need a tasty snack. Let's take an egg… and wrap it in meat! Makes it a bit harder."”

Bill Bailey

Lyrics, Misc.

Food

“I stole some pins from the noticeboard
And pressed them into my hand
And they spelled 'why?'
Why did they spell 'why'?
Because there weren't enough pins for 'oblivion'.”

Bill Bailey

("The Song Written From The Perspective Of A Young Man Who Works At Starbucks and Probably Self-Harms", Tinselworm (2007))
Lyrics

“(after Phil Jupittus had insulted Michael Jackson, and David Gest had said 'be nice!') Aw, be nice to the baby-dangling freak.”

Bill Bailey

Lyrics, Misc.

Baby

“I would never condone the burning of a Dan Brown novel, much though I loathe and detest his work. Well, I say "work", you know, words, randomly arranged to form millions of dollars… I'm not bitter at all…”

Bill Bailey

Dandelion Mind (2010)

“Aldous Huxley took the drug mescaline and then chronicled his experience in the book The Doors of Perception.”

Bill Bailey

Now, I don't actually think that's the first thing he wrote: he probably wrote 'my brain is melting' ten thousand times, but it was the book that the critics latched on to.
Is It Bill Bailey? (TV, 1998)

Books