Bill Bailey: Trending quotes

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Bill Bailey: 186 quotes2 likes

“(Quoting his three year old son on a James Blunt song) "Daddy, turn it off, it's spoiling my brain"”

Bill Bailey

Tinselworm (2008)

“This is the news theme, but it sounds like pure Hollywood entertainment. It sounds like E. T. on a horse being chased by Darth Vader, which is something I'd love to see.”

Bill Bailey

Remarkable Guide to the Orchestra (2008)

“… have a banana!”

Bill Bailey

Remarkable Guide to the Orchestra (2008)

“"God save our gracious Queen": Why would we invoke a non-specific deity to bail out these unelected spongers? [Audience wildly applauds]”

Bill Bailey

Part Troll (2004)

“Not a very well-known fact, but on planes they always carry a trombone just in case there's a disaster and they need to keep morale up. All cabin crew - fully proficient in the trombone. And of course there's a double facility: if you ditch at sea, it can be used as a snorkel.”

Bill Bailey

Remarkable Guide to the Orchestra (2008)

“You're absolutely right, Hitler was a vegetarian. It's very unseemly to think so, but there he was. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.”

Bill Bailey

Part Troll (2004)

“I was digging with a fork out of the kitchen drawer, sewing tictacs, I didn't know what the hell I was doing. After a bit I got bored and just started burying cheap spoons to baffle the archaeologists of the future. [On gardening]”

Bill Bailey

Dandelion Mind (2010)

“There is one language I can't understand, because it's from another planet, another dimension - that is the language of dentists. They speak in some kind of code, it's quite disturbing and sinister. They'll talk to you perfectly normally. You'll be sitting there like that Saloth Sar!' Just to let them know I'm onto them I always freak them out right back - they look down and say 'Everything alright?' and I look up and I say (in chair, psychotic voice) 'The pheasant has no agenda'.
Ch. 23, 51:53”

Bill Bailey

Bewilderness (DVD, 2001)

“And just as he said that a feminist jumped out of a manhole - just jumped up and oh, and she didn't like that.”

Bill Bailey

That she didn't like that.
Cosmic Jam (tour 1995, DVD 2005, 2006)

“[Singing as U2, in Irish accent] Hello! Some old Celtic bollocks!”

Bill Bailey

Part Troll (2004)

“[responding to scattered audience applause] Ah, lovely: the ripple, the ripple there. That's nearly the Zen clap of acceptance there, wasn't it?”

Bill Bailey

Part Troll (2004)

“I'm amazed by how compliant people are in this country. They go into service stations - 'cathedrals of despair', as I call them - where baseball-capped ghouls of the night lord it over their congealed bean kingdoms, their fried-bread twilights, their neon demi-mondes, tempting you to enter to become them, undead. "Ooh, beans on toast, £18.95, very reasonable. Oh no, I'm not going to complain. They probably pump them up from London in special tubes." God, £18.95? If that was the price, for my money, each bean would have to be carried over in a heron's beak and laid on an orchid and then placed on a very rare train set and carried all the way to my table on the train set and then pinged off by a tiny little rare vole and it rolls onto a beautiful silk leaf and I eat it with a Fabergé egg. Then you'd get your money's worth.
Ch. 16, 26:40”

Bill Bailey

Bewilderness (DVD, 2001)

“You knew exactly who the good guys were and who were the bad guys just by the chord: the good guys got a perfect fifth - strong, compassionate - the bad guys got an augmented fourth… Just a semitone, but sometimes in life when you make the wrong choices, it's just a semitone out.”

Bill Bailey

Remarkable Guide to the Orchestra (2008)

“Nostalgia: How long's that been around?”

Bill Bailey

Is It Bill Bailey? (TV, 1998)

“It's like a mohican on your pancreas, man!”

Bill Bailey

Lyrics, Misc.

“"I texted you on a Monday,
But you did not get my text 'till the Tuesday,
Because of a network problem.
I texted you on a Wednesday,
But I did not know that you'd called
Because your SIM card was not correctly installed.
Oh no no no.
You texted me on a Thursday
To say that you would meet me at the Shopping Centre
And i texted you back and said
"Where should i meet you?"
And you said Dixons
But i did not know which Dixons you meant
Was it the one inside the door
Or was it the one further up by Currys
These are my worries.
You texted me on a Monday
To tell me it was over
But i did not understand
Because you used Predictive Text
And it was Jrrg gruuh nnmmg guu hmmg doo doo doo".”

Bill Bailey

Lyrics

“Thank God for Darwin, eh?”

Bill Bailey

Dandelion Mind (2010)

“(Commenting on band The Killers' lyrics from the song 'All These Things I've Done') Deep down, it really is just a meaningless lyric, isn't it? [Sings] "I got soul, but I'm not a soldier". I mean, you may as well be saying "I got ham, but I'm not a hamster"”

Bill Bailey

Tinselworm (2008)

“Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!
Episode 1, 1:36”

Bill Bailey

Is It Bill Bailey? (TV, 1998)

“At parties, sometimes, for a laugh, I introduce myself - people say 'What do you do?' and I say 'I'm Aled Jones, its all gone wrong for me. No, look, I've still got it! (drunken bawl) I'M WALKING THROUGH THE AIIIIIIR, HAAAAAAHAHAHA.'
Ch. 19, 32:55”

Bill Bailey

Bewilderness (DVD, 2001)