Quotes from book

The Devil's Dictionary

“Clarionet, n. An instrument of torture operated by a person with cotton in his ears. There are two instruments that are worse than a clarionet -- two clarionets.”

“Impiety, n. Your irreverence toward my deity.”

“Absurdity, n. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.”

“Mayonnaise, n. One of the sauces that serve the French in place of a state religion.”

“Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of the other.”

“Liberty, n. The distinction between freedom and liberty is not accurately known; naturalists have never been able to find a living specimen of either.”

“Opposition, n. In politics the party that prevents the Government from running amok by hamstringing it.”

“Genealogy, n. An account of one's descent from an ancestor who did not particularly care to trace his own.”

“Labor, n. One of the processes by which A acquires property of B.”

“Cannon, n. An instrument employed in the rectification of national boundaries.”

“Diplomacy, n. The patriotic art of lying for one's country.”

“Youth, n. The Period of Possibility, when Archimedes finds a fulcrum, Cassandra has a following and seven cities compete for the honor of endowing a living Homer.”

“Back, n. That part of your friend which it is your privilege to contemplate in your adversity.”

“Dictionary, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a most useful work.”

“Alone, adj. In bad company.”

“Heaven, n. A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound your own.”

“Neighbor, n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows how to make us disobedient.”

“Rational, adj. Devoid of all delusions save those of observation, experience and reflection.”

“Capital, n. The seat of misgovernment.”