“Don't talk to me. I'm tired and grumpy and I'll probably make fun of you.”

“I don't mind you thinking I'm stupid, but don't talk to me like I'm stupid”

“You gotta make your own fun (Audience member cheers). That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.”

“It just makes me wonder what subject you blame for talking to me every night.'
I'm still settling on an answer for that one. Probably Chemistry.
Jesus Christ. I can't believe I just wrote that.”

“Listen, if you're from Arizona I'm not making fun of your home. I'm making fun of you for gathering there and building a community in an oven. Smooth move.”

“I'll come and make love to you at five o'clock. If I'm late, start without me.”

“Hello, I'm Shellie's new boyfriend and I'm out of my mind.
If you so much as talk to her or even think her name, I'll cut you in ways that'll make you useless to a woman.”

“I'll never wake up in a good mood again.
I'm tired of these stinky boots”

“I'm tired of being in love and being all alone
When you're so far away from me.
I'm tired of making out on the telephone
Because you're so far away from me.”

“I had to develop a sense of humor I'm sure it's a defense mechanism. It was, 'Before they make fun of me, I'll make a joke.' Being funny is just a point of view about life in general. Sometimes it's born out of difficult childhoods, where you have to develop a sense of humor. Ultimately, it's a gift.”