“Take awl the prophecys that hav cum tew pass, and awl that hav caught on the center, and failed tew cum tew time, and make them up in an average, and yer will find, that buying stock, on the Codfish Bank ov Nufoundland, at 50 per cent, for a rise, iz, in comparison, a good spekulatiff bizziness.”

“Rather than not hav faith in enny thing, i am willing tew be beat 9 times out ov 10.”

“Menny people spend their time trieing tew find the hole whare sin got into this world--if two men brake through the ice into a mill pond, they had better hunt for sum good hole tew git out, rather than git into a long argument about the hole they cum tew fall in.”

“Politeness iz often wasted, but it iz a good and cheap mistake tew make.”

“It iz a darned sight eazier tew find six men who kan tell exactly how a thing ought tew be did than tew find one who will do it.”

“Every man should kno sumthing ov law--if he knows enuff tew keep out ov it, he iz a prety good lawyer.”

“When a man gits tew talking about himself, he seldum fails tew be eloquent, and often reaches the sublime.”

“We are happy in this world just in proporshun as we make others happy--i stand reddy tew bet 50 dollars on this saying.”

“As a gineral thing, when a woman wares the britches, she has a good rite tew them.”

“If we giv up our minds tew little things we never shall be fit for big ones. I knew a man once who could ketch more flies with one swoop ov his hand than enny boddy else could, and he want good at ennything else.”