“[on his father's last wishes before dying] "I want to be cremated. Then I want to you to take the ashes, I want you to put them in a douche bottle, find a hooker, and run me through one more time." [groans and disgusted laughs] On my children, I did not write that. I am repeating it.”
The Fifth-Annual End-of-the-World Tour (2007)
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Christopher Titus 42
actor, writer, podcaster 1964Related quotes

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Take up home gardening!"
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“I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying.”

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The joke about immortality also appears in On Being Funny (1975)
In an interview in Rolling Stone magazine from April 9, 1987, Allen said "Someone once asked me if my dream was to live on in the hearts of people, and I said I would prefer to live on in my apartment."
Source: The Illustrated Woody Allen Reader (1993)