“[playing Pictionary with his wife and some friends]
[My wife] goes "that's not a bicycle, Rembrandt!" And I go "well, it ain't a monkey wearing glasses, Helen Keller!"”

“A friend bought two cakes for his wife's birthday, with a "3" on one and an "8" on the other.
Store clerk: Oh, do you have twins?
Bill's friend: Yup, my wife was in labor for five years.”

“I…chose a wife, as she did her wedding gown, not for a fine glossy surface, but such qualities as would wear well.”

“My real friend was my first wife. I could share everything with her without exception. That's how it came together that she became both a wife and a friend. A friend in the full sense of the word happens once in a lifetime or does not happen at all.”

“To my wife, Kay Sibert, and our children, Robin Helen, Maurene Elizabeth, and Bruce III, who knew full well the life of a military family- And to the men and women who served in Indochina on the side of the Free World.”

“If another one of my Whole-Foods friends says my wife should have a home birth, I am going to punch all the soy on the planet.”

“A guy who treats his mom well, treats his wife well.”

“I am steady with my wife. I'm faithful to my wife.”

“When asked why he parted with his wife, Cæsar replied, "I wished my wife to be not so much as suspected."”

“It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass. ”