“I've always followed my father's advice: he told me, first to always keep my word and, second, to never insult anybody unintentionally. If I insult you, you can be goddamn sure I intend to. And, third, he told me not to go around looking for trouble.”

“The most important thing, my father told me, which I have never forgotten, and which I have often put unto practice was: If you get into a quarrel with anybody, hit him first. "If you hit first, the battle is half-won," my father always said "Don't let him hit first. You hit him first."
"What's more," he never forgot to say, too "Usually one blow is all you need."”

“I have never been a material girl. My father always told me never to love anything that cannot love you back.”

“Many years ago a very wise man named Bernard Baruch took me aside and put his arm around my shoulder. "Harpo my boy," he said, "I'm going to give you three pieces of advice, three things you should always remember." My heart jumped and I glowed with expectation. I was going to hear the magic password to a rich, full life from the master himself. "Yes sir?" I said. And he told me the three things. I regret that I've forgotten what they were.”

“One time I even said to him [ Joseph Beuys ], 'Architecture is a catastrophe in Germany; we've got to change that.' And he told me, 'Go ahead, you can always sign for me if you ever need to.' I've never taken him up on the offer, though!”

“My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it. ”

“Twant me, 'twas the Lord. I always told him, 'I trust to you. I don't know where to go or what to do, but I expect you to lead me,' and He always did.”

“I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places.”

“You killed more people than anybody in history."

"Be the best at whatever you do, that's what my mother always told me.”

“I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown tie. ”