“You can't get a big head about [fame]. When people stare at me, they could be whispering to their friend, 'That guy sucks! Have you seen him before? He's horrible.”

“You can tell by the way the girls whisper about him when he walks by in school that they want him. It makes me jealous but not for the reason people would think. Good hunting partners are hard to find.”

“Maybe… because for the first time… there was a chance I could keep him,” I say.
“So now that you've got me, what are you going to do with me?”
“Put you somewhere you can't get hurt.”
And when he kisses me, people in the room actually sigh.”

“Have you guys ever ghost hunted in Hawaii? No? Well, I have this fat friend… I shouldn't say fat, that might offend him, but he's Samoan and claims to have seen ghosts.”

“Oh, have you seen Beavis and Butt-Head when they watch one of our videos and Beavis goes: 'These guys sound just like the Chili Peppers?' As if I haven't heard that one before!”

“You can't be for big government, big taxes, and big bureaucracy and still be for the little guy.”

“The thing I've seen about people on the computer and the Internet is that it's addicting. We told him not to get on it, and you turn around and he's on the computer.”

“Now let's get this straight. You're a pastor of a church supposedly or a bishop. A guy in your church is a big homosexual faggot, and he's a U. S. senator, but you know people might accuse you of meddling if you told him if that's a sin and that he's going to have to leave the church if he doesn't change.”

“I'm scared of him," said Piggy, "and that's why I know him. If you're scared of someone you hate him but you can't stop thinking about him. You kid yourself he's alright really, an' then when you see him again; it's like asthma an' you can't breath. I tell you what. He hates you too, Ralph —"
"Me? Why me?"
"I dunno. You got him over the fire; an' you're chief an' he isn't."
"But he's Jack Merridew!"
"I been in bed so much I done some thinking. I know about people. I know about me. And him. He can't hurt you: but if you're standing out of the way he'd hurt the next thing. And that's me."
"Piggy's right, Ralph. There's you and Jack. Go on being chief.”

“It was my friend Frank, a writer in San Francisco, who finally set me straight. When asked about my new look he put down his fork and stared at me for a few moments. "A bow tie announces to the world you can no longer get an erection.”