“Critics don't buy records. They get 'em free.”

“People don't want to listen to an imitation. If they want to listen to my style, they will go and buy my records.”

“We have faith in the people who support us. If they really like us, they're going to want to be cool enough to buy our music, and realize that if they don't, the record label gets our first-born child.”

“Criticism didn't really stop us and it shouldn't ever stop anyone, because critics are only the people who can't get a record deal themselves.”

“In Britain we have a free press. It's not a pretty press, but it's free. The people who can't bear the Daily Mail, they say: 'you should ban it'. No no, no no, you don't ban it… you don't buy it.”

“When art critics get together they talk about Form and Structure and Meaning. When artists get together they talk about where you can buy cheap turpentine.”

“There's always some wiseacre who stands in the wings and criticizes. You've got two choices. You either buy these wiseacres off by giving them jobs… or you scare them off. If they don't scare, you take them in the alley. When they get out of the hospital, if they still want to squawk, you get rid of them.”

“The right to buy weapons is the right to be free.”

“In the store, Bill is buying some pants.
Clerk: You gonna buy these?
Engvall: Nope, gonna steal 'em. Just wanted you to see them before I walked out of the store. Here's your sign.”

“"These are the ugliest people I have ever seen in my life. I have to buy this!" When looking at the back of Metallica's Kill 'Em All.”