“4 kids to feed it aint a game partna, all of them eatin good ask they baby mommas.”

“Babies are fun. And they’re not much trouble. Feed ‘em occasionally, help them when they need it, and love them a lot. That’s all there is to it.”

“Papa always explained to me that there is no such thing as a kids’ game. That there are only games with which kids are learning the facts of life, but it’s the parents that are so tapados—so blind and constipated that they can’t see what these games are really all about.”

“Hey Baby.
Baby? You're kidding me, right?
I was trying it out. No?
No.”

“Could you exchange this lucky charm for a baby's feeding-bottle?”

“Kids are baby goats. They're cute and they have redeeming social value. You are definitely not kids.”

“There's an old saying that applies to me: you can't lose a game if you don't play the game. (Act 1, scene 4)”

“We've got 8 points from 4 games. That's automatic promotion form.”

“(intro) Well, here we go. This is the first book I've written since 1975, when I was in the 7th grade and wrote Boogers Are Good Eatin'.”

“I pity parents who feel comfortable to feed a thousand chicken but can't feed two kids because one isn't theirs”