Independent on Sunday obituary http://web.archive.org/web/20100522031727/http://www.independent.co.uk/news/media/bob-monkhouse-jokewriter-to-the-stars-and-the-longreigning-king-of-primetime-comedy-dies-at-75-578058.html
“Semiotics is in principle the discipline studying everything which can be used in order to lie. If something cannot be used to tell a lie, conversely it cannot be used to tell the truth: it cannot in fact be used "to tell" at all.”
Variant: A sign is anything that can be used to tell a lie.
Source: Trattato di semiotica generale (1975); [A Theory of Semiotics] (1976)
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Umberto Eco 120
Italian semiotician, essayist, philosopher, literary critic… 1932–2016Related quotes

“I cannot tell a lie, I did it with my little hatchet.”
The earliest source of this quote was a famous anecdote in The Life of George Washington, with Curious Anecdotes Laudable to Himself and Exemplary to his Countrymen (1806) by Parson Weems, which is not considered a credible source, and many incidents recounted in the work are now considered to have sprung entirely from Weems’ imagination. This derives from an anecdote of Washington, as a young boy, confessing to his father Augustine Washington that it was he who had cut a cherished cherry tree.
Variant:Father, I cannot tell a lie, I cut the tree.
Misattributed, Spurious attributions

“I cannot tell a lie, I did it with my little hatchet.”
Portrayed as the words of the young George Washington, confessing to have damaged a cherry tree in Life of Washington (1800)

"Lincoln and the Priests of Academe"
1990s, United States - Essays 1952-1992 (1992)

Washington 'swamp critters' backing Luther Strange, Mo Brooks says http://www.al.com/news/huntsville/index.ssf/2017/05/washington_swamp_critters_back.html (May 12, 2017)