Steven Wright citations

Page 4

“What a nice night for an evening.”

“If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?”

“I went to a general store, but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.”

“My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.”

“Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'?”

“Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.”

“I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wakeup letter.”

“How young can you die of old age?”

“I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.”

“What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?”

“If God dropped acid, would he see people?”

“What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?”

“It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.”

“My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.”

“Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?”

“I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it.”

“I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.”

“How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?”

“Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?”

“How can there be self-help groups?”

“I went down to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours. He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.”

“Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!”

“Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?”

“The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, 'Tell me about some of the people who were here last year.”

“Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?”

“Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.”

“I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.”

“You know, the New Testament is pretty old. I think they should call them the Old Testament and the Most Recent Testament.”

“99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.”