Steven Wright citations

Page 6

“Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.”

“I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.”

“Women. Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em.”

“When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.
I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.”

“So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal… The wings are knocking people over…”

“The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.”

“Is it possible to be totally partial?”

“To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.”

“I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.”

“Does fuzzy logic tickle?”

“I just lost a buttonhole.”

“always remember your unique, just like everone else”

“I went to a museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.”

“I bought a new camera. It's very advanced. You don't even need it.”

“About five years ago, somebody showed me some web sites that had my material all over them, and I thought that was fascinating. One reason was, I'd never seen my jokes written one right after another like that. I write on drawing paper—I don't even like lines on the paper—so I have notebooks all over the place with handwritten pieces of my act in them. So to see it go by, all typed out neatly, was like, "Wow." And then two or three years ago, someone showed me a site, and half of it that said I wrote it, I didn't write. Recently, I saw one, and I didn't write any of it. What's disturbing is that with a few of these jokes, I wish I had thought of them. A giant amount of them, I'm embarrassed that people think I thought of them, because some are really bad.”

“I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. [sighs] It's a start…”

“I woke up one morning, [my girlfriend] asked me if I slept good. I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."”

“Lots of my friends have babies, but I don't have any babies. But I have lots of friends; babies don't have any friends. They all have those baby-monitors so they can hear the baby from the other room, which I consider a form of wiretapping. One day there's gonna be a really smart baby who makes a fake recording of some fake baby noises…gonna crawl out of the window and go to Italy.”

“I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.”

“I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.”

“I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me, and I didn't hear a thing.”

“[unenthusiastically at the beginning of every show in response to audience applause] "Thanks."”

“I need one of those baby-monitors for my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.”

“It's a good thing a lot of people speak foreign languages, otherwise those people would have no one to talk to.”

“In school they told me "Practice makes perfect."”

“About five years ago, somebody showed me some web sites that had my material all over them, and I thought that was fascinating. One reason was, I'd never seen my jokes written one right after another like that. I write on drawing paper—I don't even like lines on the paper—so I have notebooks all over the place with handwritten pieces of my act in them. So to see it go by, all typed out neatly, was like, "Wow."”

“I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint… it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.”