Steven Wright citations

“If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?”

“Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”

“If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.”

“In school they told me "Practice makes perfect." And then they told me "Nobody's perfect," so then I stopped practicing.”

“Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.”

“What happens if you get scared half to death twice?”

“Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.”

“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?”

“How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?”

“I spilled spot remover on my dog; now he's gone.”

“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.”

“Everywhere is walking distance if you've got the time.”

“If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”

“If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.”

“They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.”

“What's another word for thesaurus?”

“The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.”

“When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.”

“There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”

“If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?”

“Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.”

“I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.”

“I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.”

“I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.”

“If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?”

“If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”

“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.”

“I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.”

“When I first read the dictionary, I thought it was a long poem about everything.”