Steven Wright citations

Page 2

“I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”

“I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.”

“The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?”

“It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.”

“You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading… and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.”

“I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote," so right before I die I could say "unquote."”

“Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?”

“I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.”

“Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.”

“I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.”

“Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.”

“Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang, 'Happy Birthday.”

“Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.”

“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”

“Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.”

“Did you sleep well?"
"No, I made a couple of mistakes.”

“If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?”

“A lot of people are afraid of heights; not me, I'm afraid of widths.”

“I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.”

“A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.”

“I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!”

“I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

“It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.”

“If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?”

“Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?”

“If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.”

“I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.”

“I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.”

“Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?”