Mitch Hedberg citations

Page 4

“This is what my friend said to me; he said "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." It's like, "Dude. you gotta give me time to guess. If you're gonna quiz me, you must insert a pause in there."”

“When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.”

“Check this joke out: If you wanna talk to me after the show I'll be… Fuckin'… Surprised. I'm gonna have to have some liner notes for that joke, like "During that joke, he points to the back." So people get the full experience. I'm gonna do a bunch of jokes that require actually seeing me. Then the CD will piss people off.”

“A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.”

“If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.”

“I dressed up for the CD.”

“I would imagine that the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is… fucking… clean.”

“My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the fuck’s really goin on down there? Who is the real hero?”

“If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.”

“You can't please all the people all the time. And yesterday, all those people were at my show.”